OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_001.2.txt 3a.w«?‘.'°‘l ‘K-1 “ I" ' at M ’ I‘ «"5 A T‘: 1‘ them: AR: No nonm AMOLUPES Gho sts of ATS2 brothers aunt train, hijack it to Sweet Briar he ’4L’ting—t1Im Iflhi VGLUME 93, NO. 666 FILLMORE AND NIXON UNIVERSITY By SLIM FAST ' Phi Dietician Warwick, _ ‘ rfliracle diet, you’re wrong. tghed over 250 pounds. ‘lk of. t it works.” If you think there is no such thing as the Witness the amazing transforma- n in Dean of Students David -xwison. A short two years ago, >wison was 10 pants sizes larger and Now, he is the skinniest man we can "lt‘s truly amazing,” Howison said. went on a simple diet of mashed :k bill, turnips and Spos’ back hair, :1 I lost weight in dozens of pounds I; r week. I don’t know how it works, diowison discovered the weight loss program while watching the Psychic Channel on late night TV. Dionne state, and she said ‘David Howison, call in now!’ It was a religious experi- cable network’s promoter, personally i n v i t e d Howison to try the diet plan. “ I t ’ s amazing but that Dionne N» . »%--.<... is really a psychic,” Howison said. “She sensed me watching the TV in my miserable, slothful, 250 pound Before now she’s skinny too!” Dr. Jane Horton, university physi- ence. It said. “I like toadda little turns out styling gel to the mix. It D i o n n e makes the hair stick bet- used to ter. It smells a little bet- weigh over ter that way, too.” 5 0 0 The program works p 0 u n d s , in three simple steps. but thanks First, you send all your to the Psy- money to the Psychic c h i c Friends Network. See- F r i e n d s ond, you collect some and this mashed duck bill, some a m a z i n g turnips, andagood-sized weightloss handful of Spos’ back program, hair. Third, you mix it up and eat it. “That’s what I love cian, said the program really works “Everyone should try it," Horton best about this whole program,” Howison said. “I can prepare every- LEX VEGAS, VIRGINNY thing right here in my office.” Even those with- out drastic weight problems like Howison’s can ben- efit from the diet. Dean of Students for Greek Affairs Leroy “Buddy” Atkins lost 20 pounds in less than a day on the miracle diet. “I felt so good Does anybody really look at the photo credits? Professor Smith? Nhere’s reverse on this damn thing? . Thomas A. “Baner” Bane, longtime veteran of the Washington and Lee Security force, in what could possibly be the biggest bonehead maneuver of the year, backs into the Liberty Hall ruins and knocks down a good portion of the historical land- mark. “My foot slipped off the clutch when I was dreaming of Nancy Pav1ovic’s sexy fingernails,” commented W&L’s favor- ite security guard. And this guy complains because no one will let him have a about myself, I let all the fraternities have keg parties on APRIL 1, 1994 Howison diet shrinks Waistlines Wilson’s front lawn,” said Atkins. “They messed up Howison’s bocci field. That made me happy.” Secretary to the Dean of Freshmen Bonnie Walker lost 15 pounds in 15 minutes on the diet. “Buddy and I even went to the.fra- ternity party on Wilson’s front lawn,” Walker said. “We each drank enough to get huge beer guts and we LOST weight! This is truly an amazing diet. Excuse me.” If you are interested in joining the group of fortunate people who have ' discovered the program, just watch the ' Psychic Network late at night, prefer- ably with a big bowl of “Cheetos.” “They know who you are anyway,” ~ said Howison. 5 EC blows gobs of $ on forks By AMOS HASHBEY PIERCE III Phi Future Congressman By EM T. VEE Phi Assistant Beekeeper keeping pace with its new popular game show, Channel 2 is . adding another type of program- ming appealing to students to-‘ day. Music Videos will begin to = sh w on Channel 2 tonight at 5:- p.m. " Love Connection frontperson . and producer Chris Albert will - have his name all over this project as well. . “I’m very excited about this wonderful project, it is so excit- ing to produce all those great groups, especially those fun Southern Drunks,” said Albert. Seven groups are kicking off the first set of music videos with eight great songs. W&L favor- ites The Dave Matthew Marks Ba9.d, lost & found in the super- market, Big Hairy Possums; Kappa Sigma favorite Too Much of the Bandit Sole; and W&L A singing groups Southern Drunks, Cherries JubiLee, and General Admission to Those Who Didn’t Get into the Other Two Groups will be performing one song each, except Bandit Sole, who will per- form two songs for the camera. The Dave Matthew Marks Band will be performing “Satel- lite”, a song about a young girl who wants a satellite of her very own to see all the cable channels available in Orlando, Florida. “It’s really our favorite song to play, although we don’t find it as inspirational as most of our completely brain—dead fans,” said Marks about his song. The Possums have found new success lately, and are making it much the way lost & found in the supermarket did in 1991. They have chosen to cover a song by Divinyls, “I touch myself (when I think of you).” “It’s not one of our usual songs, but we all like doing it,” said lead Possum Trevor Norris. W&L gets music station Guitarist Joe Austin con- curred. “We do touch ourselves, not usually while we’re performing, but sometimes during practice.” Too Much of the Bandit Sole, a Kappa Sig regular, is doing two in a row, beginning with their original woeful, bluesy lament “Why can’t we make it big?” this is followed by another minute- and-a-half song by the band, . ‘‘We’ll play for fifty bucks,” which really sounds like a cry for help from a desperate prostitute. Lost & found in the super- market will go on the air with their party favorite “Brickhouse” by the Commodores. “We like the song okay and people scream for it every time we play at W&L, so we thought we’d do our fans and Kimberly Peterson a favor and have it on the t.v. all the time.” guitarist Dave Klabo, ’89, said. The three W&L a capella groups round out the program ‘member Robert Eison said. with some a capella music. South- ern Drunks starts it off with the Bee Gee’s hit song “More than a Woman.” “Everyone’s getting into the 70s nostalgia and we thought we would, too,” Southern Drunk Jesse Taylor, Southern Drunk and song arranger, commented, “It’s a good song for me to do because sometimes I feel like more than a woman.” Cherries JubiLee will be de- parting from their usual playlist as well with an a capella version of AC/DC’s “You shook me all night long.” “lt’s a song most of us like, maybe better than most- of our other stuff,” said Jennifer Ray of Cherries JubiLee. General Admission for Those Who Didn’t Get into the Other Two Groups will begin their video with a short rendition of “Stairway to Heaven,” followed bSee MTV, page 2 Fancy Dress has been can- celled for next year. The Executive Committee Monday voted in favor of a plan that would cut the Fancy Dress budget and use 85 percent of the money to buy plastic forks. “If we used 85 percent of the FD budget, we could buy enough plastic forks to fill the Dining Hall to a depth of nine feet,” said EC Vice President Jimmy Kull. EC Representatives Carol Pierce and Alison Lewis asked what the plastic forks could be used for and were ignored by the rest of the committee, but they voted in favor of the plan any- way. EC Representative Alex Cross whined that plastic fork tines could poke his little eyes out and voted in favor of plastic spoons. Law School Representatives Kevin Webb, James Rambeau and Keith Benedictsaid they were ' concerned that the plastic forks would not be made available to law students. EC Grand Poobah Robert “Studhorse” Tompkins assured them that EC Pledge Marcus Rayner would post signs on the law school campus in- forming law students about the forks. EC Secretary Ashby Hack- ney was not present for the meet- ing, but was spotted down the block at Sweet Things eating “Pop Rocks.” EC Representative David “Lumpy” Stewart drew little in- terlocking circles on his copy of the minutes and hummed the Really Wacky Publicity Photo theme from “Dragnet.” Tompkins said the remaining 15 percent, of the FD budget would be used to buy concrete lawn chickens for campus build- ings and to purchase velvet Elvis tapestries for every member of the student body. _ “Speaking for the entirety of the student body, we were unsat- isfied with the way the Fancy Dress committee spent their money this year,” said Tompkins. “This is an appropriate method of punishment.” Michael Hewlett, Nicholas Waddy, Niall MacKenzie, Nova Clark, Ted Elliott, Ccttie Miles and Professor of Journalism Brian E. Richardson all immediately wrote letters to TheRing-tum Phi in protest. After the meeting, the Publi- cations Board announced it would fund its own ball next year with the $85,000 in advertising revenue collected by Phi Busi- ness Manager Kevin “G-Money” Roddey over the past year. The new ball, to be named “The First Annual Hootenanny Jamboree,” will have a redneck theme, with bales of hay, a real John Deere Tractor and a shrine built in honor of Leigh Allen. Students will have the oppor- tunity to purchase memorabilia from the event: commemorative pouches of Red Man, jars of moonshine and engraved silver tire irons. “I think it’s a wonderful thing that Kevin was able to make so much money for the school this year,” said University President John D.’ Wilson. “Now fetch me some bourbon, Hespos.” At Left: After completing his professional tour with the Allman Brothers last year, Professor of Journalism Brian Richardson joined up with the Jack- son 5. Richardson said this tour will expand his musi- cal horizons. “Motown is my new passion,” he said. “They'll even; let me wear my studly brown leather jacket that everyone likes so much.” «y/2 OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_002.2.txt PAGE ln(e) + 365° The World, except for Page Page, Lesotho and parts of New Zealand Kerrigan guilty (guilty I say) New evidence reveals that it was Nancy Kerrigan, and not Tonya Harding, who arranged the attack on Kerrigan last January. Authorities hauled a sobbing Kerrigan to jail Tuesday after learn- ing that she and Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly (say it again... Gilooly—Better than “Buttafuoco,” huh?) had conspired to get Harding kicked off the U.S. Figure Skating team and thrown in jail. Kerrigan, who has been carrying on an illicit affair with Gillooly, said she was “sick of sharing the limelight with Tonya, and did not want to risk my chances at the gold.” Although she lost the gold medal anyway, Kerrigan has been enjoying the benefits of playing America’s injured sweetheart by signing lucrative deals with Revlon, Campbell’s Soup, and Nike. Harding has been released from her sentence of 300 hours of community service for impeding the investigation into the affair. What does she plan to do with all this time on her hands? “I’m going to Disneyland,” the vindicated skater told reporters. Penis-slicer strikes again Lorena Bobbitt has suffered a mental relapse. Just weeks after her release from a state mental institution, Mrs. Bobbitt (called “The Emasculator” by her cell—mates) is being hospitalized again after severing husband John Bobbitt’s penis a second time. Au- thorities apprehended her after she attempted to sell the organ to a pawn broker. “I guess I let her go too soon,” said the judge who ordered her release. “She just wasn’t ready to face the real world. All those men with penises out there were just too much temptation for her.” John Bobbitt could not be reached for comment. Bobbitt regained 75 percent use of his organ after he lost it the first time. Doctors are operating to reattach his penis, but are not hopeful. “We were lucky to save it the first time. After a trauma like that, it was amazing he could use it at all. This time, he may be out of luck.” Rrrrrummmmmble!!! The big one finally hit. Early Monday morning, California was struck by an earthquake that registered 15.8 on the Richter scale. After four minutes of being shaken by the most violent quake to ever rock the earth, the Golden State fell off the left coast into the Pacific Ocean. The accompanying roar was drowned out by the deafening cheers of Califomia’s neighbors, who began a round- the-clock celebration after the ocean swallowed the state. Those durned hillbillies... MTV announced it will _change its format from rock music videos to country music. Replacing the popular “Week in Rock” will be “Line Dancing with Dedra.” The game show “Lip Service” will be replaced with “Name that No-Talent Blow-Dried Pretty Boy Country Singer.” The change in format comes as a result of financial losses the station has suffered from for the past year. “Country music is the wave of the future,” said an MTV spokes- person. “Rock just doesn’t have the same following.” Smoke ’em if ya got ’em Congress passed a law this week legalizing marijuana. Wash- ington will see several changes due to this new legislation. Smok- ing lounges in the Capital building will be equipped with bongs as well as ash—trays. President Clinton announced that the Rose Garden at the White House will be transformed into a marijuana field that will supply Congress, White House aides, and any foreign diplomats that may be visiting. Nothing new here A bunch of Shiite Muslims blew something up with a car bomb. Help needed desperately Hey, you! Yeah, you. I have been imprisoned by the staff of T he Ring—tum Phi. They’ve been forcing me to write these inane “Beyond the Blue Ridge” things for about four months now. I’M GOING NUTS!!! Get me out of here! !! Do you have any idea how painful it is to type “Gi1loo1y” 400 times? No, I don’t think so. Hurry! Rescue me! Be careful, though. Kefalas has a 12-gauge. Blatant sensationalism A polar bear was infected by the AIDS virus when he hit a disgruntled postal worker in Waco, Texas who was involved in the Whitewater affair. Surprisingly, we only wrote a 4—line news brief about the whole thing. Notice to little kids in all areas of the United States of’America There is no Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny is a fake as well. So is the Tooth Fairy. We’re sorry, but it’s our duty as journalists to expose the truth,because lies are harmful, although sometimes morally obligatory. We know because Professor Hodges told us so in ethics class. Over Yonder is compiled by My Delta Queen By NESTLE OUIK Phi tradition specialist Plans for the Sorority Renaissance renovation of Lee Chapel have received the approval of the Board of Trustees, and construction will begin within the next month. Construction will continue over the summer, and the chapel should be fully converted for use by next September for a school-opening bash sponsored by the Pan Hellenic Council. The cost isjust under $500,000 with some labor to be provided by the sororities them- selves. “Our first project is moving all the Lee memorabilia out ofthe basement,” said Captain Robert Peniston, Director of Lee Chapel. “We’ll store it in President Wilson’s garage until the new Lee Chapel space is ready.” _ Under a plan developed by Dean of Students David Howison, several of the loft suites in Gaines Hall will be converted for the current uses of Lee Chapel, and the recumbent statue of Robert E. Lee will move there as well. Howison added, though, that perma- nent Lee Chapel housing is still a pos- sibility for the future. The four sororities will share the chapel and maintain it through help from their house corporations. The basement will have an individual room for each sorority, cooking facilities, several guest suites, and a Pan Hellenic Lounge forpromotingunity among the sororities. The main chapel will be used for chapter meetings in its current state, but transportable benches and a roll out floor covering will let it be easily trans- fonned into a party room, with floor. drains and washable paint for the walls among the additions. The diamond window panes will be replaced with shatter-proof glass, and each sorority has one window for stained glass. In addition, each sorority The Rin -tum Phi E Lee spins in chapel tomb oo un withaside ordero Chinese ve etables A rill 1994 Photo by Nikon Nikon, The Ring-[um P/ii Robert E. Lee’s recumbent statue begins to rotate near the Confederate flags that sur- round his tomb. Sororities re-decorating the Chapel took little notice. may hang its flag. “We had some trouble getting the prime window,” said Chi Omega Presi- dent Stacey Colfrey. “But we traded our flag slot with Theta, so I think we’ve worked everything out.” The organ will be removed to put in a bar, and additional light and sound equipment will be able to accommo- date bands for sorority functions. With the closing of the Boiler Room, many see the Chapel as a good replacement. Other additions include bathrooms near the front door, additional sound- proofing , and aluminum can collec- tion facilities for recycling. After initial debate regarding the color scheme of the main room, the sororities chose to keep the traditional decor. “It seemed fairest to everyone if we left the room neutral,” said Pi Beta Phi Vice President of Atmosphere. “All the different colors really clashed.” The Jefferson florist-is currently . reviewing its suppliers of pansies and Carnations, while W&L Dining_Ser- vices is meeting with each sorority to discuss catering luncheons, banquets. and chapter functions. The trustees’ nearly unanimous ap- proval at the recent meeting reflects their interest in Greek options for women at W&L. As the only dissenter was carried out of the room in a fit of anger, one trustee commented, “I think he’ll grow to like the idea once he gets used to it. b . We’re all behind this plan l()0 per- cent." According to Director’ of Public Relations Brian Shaw, support has been strong for the plan after relatively little initial resistance. G President Wilson admitted that while a Renaissance of Lee Chapel was not among his initial ideas in his plans for admitting women to W&L or for Fraternity Renaissance, he does like the natural progression the two have taken. to “I love the idea, frankly," said Wil—, son. “It seems the most natural course to take, and isjust likely a better use 3 of the space." “K . ._.;., anything there, anyway? 1 Kegs in By BUD -DRAFT Phi Lush Gaines Hall will soon be the social hot spot. Washington and Lee administration has decided to encourage kegs parties in Gaines to make it more of a party place. “We’re going to but kegs for stu- dents’ tuition money,” said University President John D. Wilson. _ Any parents worried that the money they are shelling out is going to alcohol should rest assured. “Alcohol is good for you,” said University Physician David Copeland. “it can even improve academic perfor- mance!” These findings started Dean of Freshmen and Residence Life Dennis » Manning‘s Kegs in Gaines Project (KIGP). There are four divisions of hte project: 1. Academic Division (Keg’s for A’s): Rooms in Gaines will be set aside for alcohol and academics. Included will be the Screwdrivers and Sociol- ogy Room. Kegs for Calculus Suite, and the Absolut Accounting Area. 2. Social Division: Basically, stu- dents can come to Gaines every night to party. No road cheese admitted. 3. Practical Knowledge Division: This division of KIGP will teach stu- Journalism Department rockers John Jennings for their first world tour. The profs have decide midlife crises: to tour in a rock ’n’. roll band. Unfo country. However, the group has pro colleagues because of a conflict withi Crazed fans mobbed the quartet at their recent tour- :a Smokin’. in that little boy’s room on the , Ronald McDonald, Hampden Smith, and Robert DeMaria prepar d to take a year-long sabbatical to pursue the dream of their rtlmately, MTV won’t carry their videos because they’ve gone ved to be a big hit in Japan. Professor Brian Richardson couldn’t join his n the Jackson family during the 5 reunion tour. opening performance in the Pavilion. But who can hear Gaines! dents how to best consume their alco- hol and garner a higher tolerance level. Classes include Shots for Students 201 (prerequisite: Studies in throwing Up 101) taught by Manning; Beer Games 161 taught by Wilson; and Funneling for Fun 322, taught by W&L Director of Security Mike Young. These classes satidfy W&L’s general drinking edu- cation requirements; 4. Hooking Up Division: enough said. The administration will be launch- ing a huge public relations project to get students more interested in KIGP. Some KIGP merchandise that will be sold soon: 1. Eau de Puke ($101.99). Sold at Fine» Stores That Specialize In This Type» of Stuff. 2. Gaines Shot Glasses ($178.89) 3. H ow to Improve Your GRE scores by Drinking More. ($99). Some students involved in the orga- nizing of KIGP were worried that the prices of the products were too high. “W&Lstudents have lots of money. Let’s drain them of all they’re worth,” said Wilson. Students interested in being in the KIGP Student Commitee should pick up applications in the University Cen- ter. Requirements include a love of alcohol and a high tolerance level. “We are truly excited about this,” said Manning. fol” CLARK FOR WROIIGLY ACCUSIIIG DOGS OF BAD BEHAVIOR. CHASING MAIL TRUCKS AND JUST PLAIN PUBLIC ANNOY- ANCE REWARD LS5 DEAD '2..$1O ALIVE 3.$l5' ALIVE WITH YELLOW CHALK III HAND second floor of Reid I W&LtvT debuts 1 today. from MTV, page 1 by a skit on the revisions the Wh Book Review Committee should ma‘ to the White Book. ' “Stairway’s such a great song, Ijl wishes I could sing it all the time.”s ' soloist S. R. Evans. “The skit’s, makin’ the students who’re watch the t.v. think about the Honor Syst s’more.” 3 “Everyone here at Channel 2 is v q excited about this wonderful fioje we can’t wait to see everyone’-s re ‘ tion,” said Albert. Some upcoming acts for fut shows include songs by administrat and faculty and even some stude They include: President Wilson w "Take This Job and Shove It" bgDa Allen Coe; Dean Atkins with a siirpr Lemonheads song, “My Drug Budd Dean Howison with Warren Zevo “Excitable Boyg" Dr. James Worth Sir ing "Feelings;“ Bob Tompkins w Cream hit “Politician;” and some me bers of Beta Theta Pi fraternity sing Bob Dylan‘s "Subterranean Homes Blues." OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_003.2.txt By BAKED FINN “I didn't inhale” The old South has finally won Lenfest, and he Stars and Bars will fly proudly across the tagfi The Lenfest Center for the Performing Arts ill proudly host the student-produced Gone . ith the Breeze, starring Helen O’Necker as carlett and Hohn Mikado as Rhett Butler. The production features a full scale repre- entation of the Tara bathroom, in which Scarlett pofiedly performs most of her soliloquies. The director, Professor Hake Holden Seller, aid although the cast and crew have never fully n through the script, they expect the perfor- ance to last no more than 10 hours. “You could watch North and South, or you ould come watch Lenfest burn to the ground in eewment of the Atlanta project,” Seller said. e play is expected to draw a large crowd. “We’ve designed contemporary costumes And sets to make it look like the South never lost 5 e war,” said co-costume designer Pat Roberts f Frederick’s of Hollywood. Roberts’ partner in costume design is Boy . eor e, of Victoria’s Secret Boutique in ’oa ke. George said (s)he designed the cos- umes for Scarlett while Roberts focused more n Rhett’s apparel. “I ’m not specialized in creating men’swear,” xeorge said. Set designer Bob Villa picked up on the ontemporary theme and designed Tara as a ubdfiision of the Woods Creek Apartments. ‘resident John Wilson said he was pleased with illa’s work. “We’re going to ask him to submit a bid for t e building of the new science center,” Wilson aid. “If it turns out as well as that set, we’ll inally be able to attract all of those real pre- ed Qtudents.” Villa said his crew had some difficulties in eveloping the set. “We couldn’t get the stucco to stick to the hain-link, and the potted palm trees got stuck -- the stage-left door,” Villa said. The lighting for the production is expected beiather traditional. “We’ll be using candles and oil lamps in ost of the first acts, though we might finally e able to track the leads with a maglite,” said ‘ghting director Tommy Edisun. I.M. Bryte, ssistant director, said he hoped he would get to .old the maglite. Owecker said she is excited to have such an portant part in the play. ' “I’ve always wanted to play a prima donna,” * c said. “Now that I ’ve got my chance. I ’m not , re what I want to do with it.” O’Necker said she studied for the role by atching old movies about the South. She said atcing the Kappas was particularly helpful 1 establishing a character type for Scarlett. Mikado, as Rhett Butler, will have a small Breeze fres role in the revised performance. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a banana,” he said. Mikado said he was honored to have been chosen to work with O’Necker and Pro- fessor Huntley’s dog, Ollie. Ollie, who has more speakingiparts than Mikado, plays Ralph, barnyard dog and Atlatmrnongrsl-.. . _ . Seller has never directed aW& , ‘pro_ducti'on_, before. He said hefelt preparedfor‘ this under- ‘ taking though. ' _ “I’m very familiar with the culture of the South,” he said. “You may not know this, but I’m the one who set up the lynching scene in Sommersby.” Above and above right: Some of the costumes designed by Frederick’s A of Hollywood designer Pat Roberts. These costumes will be Worn by the minor actresses in the play. Seller said he hoped the play would bring to a head many of the geographical tensions in the student body. sublimated. Q By L. I. Veisoo Ol Phi Cool Person Who Should Write For Us More Lexington must have some sort of charm because it’s ‘out to become the home of yet another feature film. This movie, under the direction of ex - MASH star Alan da, will be entitled Bubba Get Your Gun: The Musical. ris ' based on the best-selling novel by John Grisham Theyudge and Jury.” Unbelievably enough, the viewing blic will be able to see yet another untimely beating of the v aker Oats spokesman Wilford Brimley. The town of Lexington is very happy to see this movie me to its door not only because of the fame it brings, but cause approximately 100 VMI cadets will be employed. . oufitwo days ago most of the cast began arriving in town. fortunately, the first day of rehearsal was not without its are of problems. The lead actor, while attempting a ouette, sprained his ankle and was rushed to Stonewall kson Hospital. The university was also shocked to hear a t while he was trying to catch his balance he tore several the relic flags hanging in Lee Chapel. The problems nti, ed that day. One of the supporting actresses, upon ing one of the VMI cadet’s haircuts, fell madly in love th him. She then threatened to run away with him unless e was given her own room in Graham Lees that she could are with her new miltary love. . Because of the unsual mixture of the military and the bove: One of the dance instructors explains the arm movements to an extra before the filming of a scene in Bubba Get Your Gun: The Musical, directed by Alan Alda. ight: Extras mill around after reciving guns from the head prop person. They later acted in the scene where Washington Hall is stormed and looted. Publicity Photo song and dance genres, rehearsals have been extensive. Dirk Snyder, who plays Lonnie in the movie, said, “The toughest part of the rehearsals is learning how to shoot my gun and dance at the same time. They tell me that later on we might have to sing too. That stinks.” Thankfully enough, morale is much better for the other players in the movie. Hella Brass, who plays Pat, talks about the town. “I like to spend time here in Lexington. It’s so nice. My favorite place to hang out is Sharks. The people there are great!” The plot of the movie will make the viewer laugh and cry and even say, “This is the best movie I’ve seen since The Karate Kid 2. The tough but sensitive soldier Lonnie falls in love with Pat, a six foot tall, two-hundred pound officer’s wife. Needless to say, their love is forbidden until they destroy the dangerous posse of fired faculty members from a local community college. In the meantime, Pat and Lonnie’s antics keep the crowd rolling in laughter and wanting more. V The cast and crew will be in town for about a month. During this time they will be asking the students of VMI and W&L not to mind the dancing men in camouflage and to bear with some of the inconveniences. On March 30, lunch will not be served in Evan’s Dining Hall because ascene will be filmed there. This is a crucial scene in the movie where Lonnie and Pat come together to finally confront the evil posse. Not only is there food involved, but...well, maybe you should just see the movie. “We’re going to prove once and for all that it’s easier to get into a bar without a fake I.D. in Atlanta than in New York,” he said. “We’re also going to raise the level of consciousness, aboutthe-dangers of»long',,c_arpe,t_ed stairways."- ' Seller said he ‘though the true meaning be- hind the original Gone with the Wind had been “People think it’s supposed to be some kind of a statement about gender relationships,” he said. “Well, I would tell them that if that’s all I i E PAGE um, uh, oh well. It’s not important 1‘ Lenfest Sig y Publicity Phoms and St. Elmo ’s Fire. Breeze Saga: Rhett. role of Rhett, however. “I don’t want to be type—cast into that kind of a role. I think I’d like to play Scarlett this time,” Mikado said. the pitfalls of type-casting. good Rhett,” O’Necker said. Gone With the Breeze will be performed Sunday in Lenfest. Tickets are available from the Box Office from the Dining Services, and can be purchased with University Cards. he singing troops descend oBi g movie filming Above and top right: some of the costumes for Rhett Butler. they get out of it, they should go and see Dean Schroer—Lamont. Everything, and I do mean everything, in this play has meaning. Certainly, for this performance we’ve changed the tradi- tional love triangle so that we could have Nancy Parakeet play Ashley, and we’ve located Tara in Houston. There’s no reason to think that this is any less a statement about the American Conflict than Predator was about Vietnam." The performance will be one of a series of Lenfest exposes on the flammability of south- em homes. Other performances in the series include Backdraft, Carrie, Towering Inferno, Next month, the Lenfest Foundation tropes to host their own sequel to the Gone with the Mikado said he would not audition for the O’Neckersaid she agreed with Mikado about ‘‘I’m still going to try out for Scarletfs part though, because I don’ think I’d make a‘ very ‘ 9 blicity Photos A This is one of Scarett’s costumes designed by Boy George. .;:n..»»_ Pulicrty Photo In The Columns on March 21, 1944, Washington and Lee University held a drink-off to raise money for the war effort this past weekend. As students had previously demonstrated no interest in planting a victory garden or purchasing bonds, the students came up with this plan, along with the faculty and administration to help con« tribute to our boys oversees. The rules for the contest stated that you must have raised at least fifteen dollars in pledges to be eligible for the 20 keg fund raising drive. The sophomore class recorded the greatest amount of pledges, with over $400 raised. The senior class, sight- ing cirrhosis of the liver as the reason, came in last, with a mere $45. At the end of the day, all'20 kegs were finished, as was the student body, and over $1000 was raised for the war effort. President Roosevelt called in his personal thanks and support later in the week. The Ring-tum Phi, on March 22, 1969, reported a protest to the rampant sexism faced by males on the W&L campus by girls from the various road schools, the campus men rallied and burned their jock straps in protest. Though the fumes produced by the inferno killed a migrating flock of geese, the general tone of the rally was positive. “We merely want the girls to know how we feel about the cheap way in which we are treated. Men have feelings, too. We are not just sex objects,” stated an unidentified junior. When asked to comment, representatives from Sweet Briar, Randolph-Macon, Hollins, and Mary Baldwin had a common response. “They ask for it. When our girls come up for the gatherings on weekends, they are met by scantilly clad lushes. What are they supposed to do? Deny their progesterone.” The rally was attended by over'4()0 men, ranging in cup sizes from small to medium-large. For the W&L Record ‘into the Sigma Nu yard. Two Phi Delt sophomores Compiled by RAY BLACK of the Phi Staff In the Phi on March 22, 1984, it was reported that the members of the Sigma Nu fraternity had decided not to take any further action through the, University against the Phi Delta Theta fraternity for a recent incident. On March 3rd, an artillery round simulator was thrown from the Phi Delt house, across Henry Street, and admitted to being responsible for the act. Sigma Nu decided to seek retribution. They made a road trip to a Texas gun show, purchased large amounts ammo and numerous firearms before returning to Lexington. From a position on the Sigma Nu roof, they laid down an impressive barrage, pinning several Phi Delts in the house. A special team of Sigma Nu commandos, lead by “Stormin' Norman” Wolff, was able to penetrate the Phi Delt house and capture the Santa Ciaus displayed by the Phi Delts every year. On March 22, 1990, the Phi covered W&L’s 200th annual Gay Rights March. It took place this past Satur- day and began at. the Lenfest Center ending some 10 miles away in Buena Vista. Supporters who marched donned a simply stunning array of the latest fashions. You could havejust died. The leaders of the march, all wearing the latest from J. Crew and Liz Claiborne pranced to the music of show tunes as they proceeded down Nelson Street. At the finish line in Buena Vista, the marchers were met by hundreds of adoring support- ers. Peanutbutter and M&M sandwiches and spring water (withjust a hint oflime) were offered to those who were a bit hungry. The effort inspired national attention when Radio Commentator Howard Stern called the W&L campus, “The damndest.bunch of liberals I’ve ever seen.” OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_004.2.txt PAGE 4 of 10 Ring By AMY FISHER Phi Psyeo Slut 3|-lpflllil Financial problems plague you this week. First you will accidentally put your meal card in the Crestar machine. When you reach for the cash, you will find only Letitia Pate Evans.Dining Hall Taco Bar rejects in the slot. Later, you will put your bank card in a Pepsi machine. It will automati- cally withdraw $73.42 for your can of Dr. Pepper. The soda will be flat. Aries, you never learn. Further problems ensue when your parents figure out that those impressive book- store bills were not for a graphic design program, but rather for your own copy of The Beavis and Butthead Experience. To put it bluntly, it sucks to be you. Maybe next week you can get a job selling chili dogs at Stop-In. Lucky color: Burnt sienna. You will be awakened Friday at 4:20 a.m. by a spasm in your left foot. You will go back to sleep, then wake up when your alarm goes off at 9:00. The radio will be playing Tevin Campbell. The hot water in the shower will run out just as you are about to turn it off. You will swear and stub your big toe on your left foot (Do you sense a left foot theme, Taurus?) You will dress in khaki pants and a blue button down shirt. Professor Hughes will return your politics test. Surprise, surprise; you got a D. At lunch you will put too much dressing on your salad, but you will sit next to the person you wish you had gone to FD with. He or she seems to be interested, so you will make plans to hook up —— I mean, meet at a party later. Your afternoon will be eventful by Lexington standards. In other words, you will get mail other than the weekly hello note from Colombia House. The selection of the month will not be worth ordering, but you will keep forgetting to send the card back. At the promised party, you and your love interest will exchange smoldering glances over cans of Natural Light. After seeming to disap- pear together for a few hours, the two of you will share 19 minutes of awkward silence. The person that you had thought was so good looking will seem startlingly average all of a sudden. He or she will awkwardly punch you on the shoulder and say, “See you around,” and you will try to say something funny that will .bori'ib terr’_i_bly,,Ip an aném}: to ‘ge‘t“i» away, Ms Average will step on your left fool. Thai nightiyou 7' will have terrifying nightmares about little corris. Lucky color: Chartreuse. You’ll probably get up or something, then go to class. Your professor will talk for a while, then he’ll stop. Some other stuff will happen, then you will go to sleep. Lucky color: Clear. Your best friend Donna will inform you that she is bulimic, but don’t despair. She will be fine in an hour. Your other best friend Kelly is happy to tell you that she has kicked her addiction to diet pills. To celebrate, the three of you will visit your fraternal twin brother Brandon at The Peach Pit. Donna will eat 19 pieces of banana cream pie before vanishing into the bathroom. You, Donna, and Kelly will hit the mall to buy black lycra dresses. Between The Gap and Express, you will learn a valuable lesson about domestic violence. Evening brings a night of fun with your platonic male friend David, who has been wearing the same hat for six months. You will talk about music, then learn a valuable lesson about impoverished children. You top off the evening with a glass of milk. Lucky color: Champagne blonde. Q Friday brings another fun night in Lexington. You will have good intentions to spend the evening writing the seven papers due Monday (last week), perhaps hoping to meet someone nice on the fourth floor. Disaster occurs when a friend, err acquaintance, err classmate, err total stranger mentions offhand that “everyone” is going to The Palms. You need little convincing to blow off all your work. Your books are cheerfully tossed to the wind. You will meet a tall ‘dark'"s‘tra‘i'iger while you work your way through the alpha-‘ I betical list of drinks on the menu. As the two,of,y.0lL_stumble ,, ypmtenwtsthe - to “my place oi‘ yours” one of the friendl plans. Lucky color: Mango. - Apartments for Rent to W&L students. 2 Two Catering bedroom apartments for rent in W&LlFE tumPhi or Lexington Police Department causes an abrupt change in Alvin-Dennis, Inc. 102 W. Washington St. Get Ready For 9 l l . ‘ Ethan s really cool paper, The Rmg-tum Phi, April 1,1994 31%.... A chance meeting with an attractive Pisces proves to be meaningless. Those who doubted you will continue to do just that. All of the organizational problems you had when Jupiter was in your stars will not improve. If you refuse to give up your relentless search for a soul mate, it will make absolutely no difference in your life. A search for creative outlets proves fruitless. The lost item in your house will remain lost. An Aquarius wearing blue with the letters S, T, and J in his name will mean nothing to you. Your financial situation will remain stagnant. No interesting long distance phone calls will bring news. Your professional life will remain unchanged. What begins as a dull day will turn into a dull night. Lucky color: Beige. Libras are known for their logic. Hence, you know very well that horoscopes are nothing but meaningless drivel. What are the chances that everyone with birthdays between September 23 and October 22 will have the exact things happen to them? Get real. The people who writehoroscopes don’t believe them either; they are just trying to rip you off. Just in case you feel a little gullible today, here is some advice: Don’t eat a sandwich from a gas station, and if someone is going to take a picture of you eating some food, just hold it next to your face and smile. Don’t actually eat it. Lucky color: Raw Umber. Your old flame will call to tell you what a meaningless‘ sham life has become without you. A phone call to your mother reveals that people who were mean to you in high school have been sent to prison. You will find a twenty dollar bill in the pocket of your jeans. The test you didn’t study for is canceled. Your professor tells you that he thinks you are an unappreciated genius. Paul McCartney asks you to join him and the guys for the Beatles reunion. You are visitedby the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Prize Patrol in spiterloftthcv fact that you never 3 sent back the card. A ‘"'gorg‘e'bus“s‘l‘r?inger whisks you off to‘Mad_rid for the ultimate cup of cafe eon leche. Best of all, it’s a good hair day. Lucky Color: Red-Orange. oscopc, just for got: 3 GONG OUT OF downtown Lexington, just a very short walk from the W&L campus. $300 per month one unit; $375 per Spring Break! month larger unit. —Great Location ——Landlord pays for water, including hot water If interested, please call property manager, Mrs. Brown, daytime 463-3013; at night or weekends, (703) 984-9402 Bad Company - Stonewall Square Shopping Center Lexlngton,V 463-9800 News MI;&.S§@§Q1:" thi. Week. -Knit Shirts -Swim Suits Visa MC Ll Dangerous Age Cell - Living Room Motley Crue - Self Titled Sammy Hagar - Unboxed Muddy Waters - Howlin’ Wolf - Ain’t 33 One More Mile Gonna be Your Dog and many more! (eaj jssj jejt-tej js) @§_ii’1‘s:efl Open Mon.-Thurs. 10 a.m-10 p.m., Fri 81 Sat. 10a.m.-ll p.m., Sun. Noon-10 p.m. F‘ 4 -Duckhead Shorts —Ray Winter Clearance Still In Progress z?’* 44 4‘$’$’9'~V-33'-19907-¥~¥~¥ uvu:nlIoI'I3- , lhccmlnrll ‘ By 9:00 Friday morning you will be wondering why you even got out of bed. Your roommate will have used the last of the coffee and toilet paper. Something you wear will.rip. All of your nails will break. Your car will be stolen. You will ' fail three tests. Eighth graders with Mace will mug you and take all of your money. Tonya Harding will beat your knee with a collapsible metal baton while screaming, “Gilooly!” _ at the top of her lungs. And that’sjust in the morning. Lucky color: Carnation Pink. If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise now would it? Lucky Color: You’ll see. A quiet, but insistent voice in the back of your ea convinces you to make some changes in your life. Yo renounce all material goods and donate them to a worth charity, such as The Ring-Tum Phi Olympic Bocci team. The voice further urges you to shave your head, which yo do by merely asking any barber in Lexington for a haircut The voice prods you to sit lotus style in the middle of th tennis courts to become more in touch with fuzzy yello balls. The voice then convinces you to move to yoursp 'tua homeland, Tibet. As you are happily chanting and fastin you realize that your actions were not prompted by a littl voice at all, but by leaving your stereo on. Lucky Color Buddhist Monk Robe Orange. ' Focus on business. Invest in high-risk stocks and sevam land in Florida. If it seems too good to be true, take it. If yo are warned aboui it-by the Better Business Bureau, igno them. Ask crack addicts to hold onto large amounts of cas ' and or credit cards for you. Sell high and buy low. Woul ' steer you wrong? Lucky-oolor: Money Green. ‘/ BUSINESS SALE Bans -Sport Shirts .-Sperry Cro Shoes Student Charge 463-5383 CRAFTS PLUS, INC. GAMES, HOBBIES & CRAFTS SUPPLIES Everything Marked Down Trains, Games, Models, Beads, Basket Making Suppliés, Doll Parts. Much More In Craft and Hobby Supplies. 31 S. Main St., 25% Open Monday thru Saturday 10-5 Lexington 463-3355 . // / ~ 4-13 Earn $2,000+ per month + world travel (Hawaii, Mexico, the Caribbean, etc.) working for Cruise Ships or Tour Companies. Holiday, Summer, and Full-Time employment available. For employment program call: Cruise Employment Services (206) 634-0468 ext.C5342 Within walking distance I Call after 5 p.m. 261-6478 edroom house for rent. from campus. aaagaaeaea Lexington {I Shop for Pappagallo Ladies’ Shoes, Clothing, and Accessories W. “P90 *3’ Hours: 10 - 5:3 2} Mon. - Sat. ,3, 23 N. Main St. ,3, 463-5988 aaaeaaaaae O’ O i£r~A'7fr7“4*‘i9z*;¢ri5ri5i'7k*fir*:Hl**;¢ri9i'73i*i9x'i¢r K Poin Restaurant plus light lounge menu p Open 4'p.m. until closing $2 off any pasta dinner with Route 60 W. in front of Days Inn The t of View Restaurant 9 student I.D. 463-7797 OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_005.2.txt PAGE V @112 fling-tum lflliill The Beating Pulse of Washingtonand bee Founded September 18, 1492 Bogus Bocci Tournamen It has happened again. The government has tried to flex its puny muscles in an effort to bully the people. Yes, the Executive Committee is up to some more shady tactics. After not bothering to show up for their first round Bocci match, they forced their peurile way back into the tournament by threatening to sue the university. Surely there are laws against this type of calumny. If only someone would bother to read the student body constitution! Bocci Commissioner David Howison allowed EC Czar Bob Tompkins to push his way back into the tournament. Why? Who knows, but we think the diet is warping his feeble mind. But diet or no, we cannot overlook Howison’s failure as Bocci Comissioner. And because of that, (and a few more reasons that we will reveal momentarily) we must sue this university. It is clear that the Phi Olympic calibre Bocci team was treated unfairly. After Round One of the Bocci tournament the Phi team was clearly the first place team. We won our first round match by 19 points, the largest margin of victory in the tournament. We should have been given a bye. Instead we were made to play a team that lost in the first round!!! To add to the insult, we were asked to play on a blustery day with less than poor field conditions. Our team uniform was not designed for off-season play. Its high tech construc- tion was created to keep Bocci players cool under the highest heats and intensest pressures. The weather was so unfitting for Bocci that the former Phi Bocci captain injured her sholder so badly she was no longer able to , write personal critiques to her staff members. Doctors say a full rehabilitation will cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. From the outset this match was a travesty. But there is more. The EC team, Czar Bob and his henchpersons David Stewart and Allison Lewis (note: only three EC members bothered to show. An official Bocci team. is fougmembers.) broke theiriBoc_ciple_dge. They _ V i could —no.t isvetiz muster om. Cf.T.,héE1Sl¢%..- ' together; For someone who talks big on paper, Czar Bob. I sure couldn’t conjure up a decent string of insults to our faces. Our heckles were met with stares from Tompkins and Stewart and a few small grins from Lewis. Without an active opponent to heckle and to be heckled by we were left with no choice but to heckle ourselves. We suggest the EC go take a few lessons from The Trident. Unlike the EC The Trident managed to come out for the Bocci Tournament in force and they were excellent heck- lers. Certainly if the un-Bocci-like EC can be allowed back into the tournament then The Trident deserves to return as well. After all, Howison has decided rulesjust don’t count. So, the only thing we can possibly do is flex our muscles and use the power of the press to our advantage. We will not let this insane miscarriage of bocci continue. We will not stop whining until the proper thing is done, and we will start law suit proceedings immediately. How does $15 million sound? Its good for starters. The Board of Trustees will be hearing from our lawyers shortly. P.S. Since we lost the Bocci game, we have to change our uniforms, so we will be spending all of our money to redo Q them. Sorry, we can’t help out with the Calyx debt. Those of you who read this space on a regular basis will know of my unen- ing talent for annoying the administra- tion of our es.t,e_e_ni_ed. university. What 1“ . most of you probably do not_:l<.now,,i,s that in addition to having a fan club that includes prestigious members like Dean Howison, President Wilson, and a fair portion of the frat population, I am also a lifetime member of The Psychic Friends Network. This, of course means that I have the ability to see into the future, and where else would I point my psychic vision but at my soon to be (or maybe not, after this) alma mater. So here they are, my predictions for where Washington and Lee will be 10 years from now. — Our presidential search con- cluded, we will have appointed our °irst ever female president, Mimi Elrod. vlimi will have surpassed her husband ohn who thought “ascending to the ’residency” meant putting a ladder up OPINION to the second floor of Washington Hall. — Dennis Manning has become our new Dean of Students after club- , , Pat has seen the future; here it is as official embassies, confirming the long standing “no entry” rule. f‘ Washington and Lee Security The Iflzg-tum Phi Kappa Alpha Delta Theta Pi Kappa Phi Psi , April 1, 19:94 -.1 »u.... —I got a little bogged-down.” i — The Pavilion undergoes Qiha [ has become an annual renovation. Th ~‘ bing Davig; ii inithe knee. officers Mike Xoung and_,S._t, ,‘ stofg '_ uildin ‘npw ha}/in reaeher aimulti-million ..- Qmlinson, ,hav‘ii?;g"i récentlyi,,_Té§g.i§%ll“{i§ ’uiii\if5is ty " dollar libel I I sued ‘fire-" dials are reported" as saying, “The cdn“ suit against arms, acci- struction ofthe Pavilion may have bee The Specta- d e n t a l 1 y a mistake.” ‘ A tor, Dean shoot Tom —The Executive Committee iflon A n n e PATRICK Hespos as he tinuing itsideliberations with the Whit S c h r o e r - “ ” returns to Book Review Committee overchanges L a In 0 n t RUSH campus for in the schools honorcode.The ten year founds The A 1 u m n i delay has been caused by an extensive S c h r 0 e r - MCDERMUFP9 W e e k e n d. debate over whether to insert a period Lamont Cen- ’94 The Officers or a semicolon in one section of th ter for the are quoted as book. 0 ' Study of s a y i n g , — The Trident has taken the plac Women at “Payback’s a of The Ring-tum Phi as the officia Washington Bitch.” campus newspaper after receiving de and Lee as generations of Southern Gentlemen spin in their graves. —- The Lexington Police Depart- ment in cooperation with the U.S. State Department, has named all fraternities — Dr. Jim Worth announces the completion of the Campus Alcohol Sur- vey, which he initiated in 1993. When questioned about the ten year wait he is quoted as saying, “OK, so maybe we velopment grants from The National Enquirer and The Society for Inep Journalists (Rush Limbaugh, Found ing Member). ‘ Happy April Fools! ;v i ‘D; A-‘-F-‘-~b~:s.g.~"s..*:‘..»‘~ -=-—.¢..4 Ellie filling-mm lflhi Executive Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Queen Managing Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lee Press-on News Editors . . .‘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sweet Thing, Sposey Hegpog Editorial Page Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dreamcicle Sports Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Tl'ie Coming Queen Assistant Sports Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .~ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Heartbreaker Features Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hector Krupp Assistant Features Editors . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Deep Fried Sawyer, Hillary Rodham Olson Photography Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Woman of Mystery Art Director . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thrill Editorial Cartoonist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jebthro Tilly Editorial Page Assistant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sarah Quiet Riot Wyatt Assistant Photography Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Betsy Green Business Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Kevin ' U-ivioney” Roddey Assistant Business Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .F1ick and Ransom Advertising Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sally “That Girl” Oberrnueller Advertising Assistant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Even We Don’t Know Circulation Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Brian “I Deliver” Carpenter The Ring-tum Phi is published Fridays and sometimes after strong electrical storms during the undergraduate school year at Washington and Lee University, Lexington, Virginia. Funding for The Ring-rum Phi comes primarily from advertising and subscription revenues and money we skim out of the Fancy Dress budget. The Washington and Lee Publications Board elects the executive editor, business manager and mascot, but The Ring- tum Phi is otherwise independent. I Letters and other submissions must be in the Phi office, room 208 of the University Center, by noon on Tuesday accompaniedby a $20 check to appear in that week’s edition. Letters, Columns, and “My Views” do not reflect the opinions of The Ring-rum Phi Editorial Board. Advertising does not reflect the opinion of The Ring-tum Phi or its staff. This newspaperobserves current court definitions of libel and obscenity as well as good fashion sense. The Ring-rum Phi Post Office Box 899 Lexington, Virginia 24450 Telephone (703) 462-4060 Fax (703) 462-4059 You just can’t beat change at W& As I look about the Washington and Lee campus, re red bricks, the columns, the ivy; all remind me that I&L is a school based on history and tradition. This -.ict cannot be argued. One of these traditions, we must not forget, is change. When General Lee became president of the college he implemented changes, many of which endure, to bring then Washington College to a position of promi- nence in American higher education. Recently, though, I have noticed an increasing number of students who wish to halt academic progress, rather than pursue it. Washington and Lee needs a rebirth, again, to bring it up to the standards of an ever-progressive university. These new changes will not be easy; they will meet, as many brave and different concepts often do, with challenge upon challenge. First of these changes should be a well-balanced school, one which represents the world in which we live, beautiful in its variation and differences. It would be difficult for a school to train leaders for a world which school itself is nothing like. The university should encourage minority student applications, offering incentives in the form of schol- arships and the like. The university should operate in a gender blind manner, allowing for near-equal ad- mittance of fine women and men. In a world which is becoming ever-more special- ized, W&L must offer those programs which allow our students to keep up with the changing world. New programs such as Women’s, African-American, Asian-American, Irish- American, and Franco- American Studies should service or other such community-based solution. Any speech or conduct which “expresses cia ethnic, or religious prejudice such as slurs, jokes, , , taunts, and any disparaging references to racia ethnic, or religious stereotypes” (Racial and Sexu Harassment policy, Office of the Presiden Middlebury College, Ver mont). should not be tolerate by the university or ifi st be offered. Such programs dents. could only start to undo CLINTON F- In short, change is one o the Euro-centrism which _ the most exciting of W&L has plagued the American '3 HERBERT traditions. Those of the pa intellectual landscape for ‘ WALKER KUCERA, and those listed by this auth so long. To further right ‘ ,97 and others was and is it these wrongs, the General I 9 change for the sake of cflang Education requirements should be changed in or- der to rid the curriculum of European History and other such Western imperialistic courses. Furthermore it is antithetical to the aims of any university that any atmosphere could exist in which students feel uncomfortable. Thus students using of- fensive speech should be punished with community it is change for the bette When one loves something, is change for the better. When one loves somethin as many of us love W&L, one doesn’t want to s it change; it is for that very love, however, that must welcome change rather than fear it. As a T-shirt seen recently around campusrea “Do it for W&L.” Please forgive me: Phi framed I am scandalized. Over the past months I have been done a great wrong: through clever editing, the arch—fascist staff of TheRing-tum Phi has made me appear to be a conservative —although nothing could be further from the case. For example, in a recent article the Phi reported me as stating that marijuana is a “valueless, mind-altering drug.” In reality, what I had written was “Mari- juana is a gift from God, and I like to share it with little children.” A bit more reasonable, no? In fact, to underscore my commit- ment to left-wing ideology, I am with this article announcing the immediate fonnation of the People’s Revolution- ary Party of Washington and Lee Uni- versity. I hope all liberals of good faith will join me in advancing these impor- tant goals: 1) The hierarchy of American soci- ety should be immediately stripped of all wealth and power. J. Crew and Land’s End shall be closed. All BMWs and Saabs shall become com- 4) To protect our Mother Earth, electrical power will be prohibited. Trees will become US citizens. 5) To continue the heartening trend a l r e a d y evident at mon property. Washing- g) The fed- ton and t L , ll - $5?if°”§2"y"‘°"a NICHOLAS L- m‘1‘I' ii‘. i .22 bounty of [DE ’ sexual in- $5,000 to all W Y’ hibitions “patriot moth-, will be un- ers” who prom— dermined ise to have as and abol- many children ished, by as possible out of wedlock. 3) Black History Month shall be renamedBlackHistoryIndefiniteTime Period, and all those who criticize it shall be publicly flogged. beer if necessary. ,1- 6) Dr. Dre will composea new na- tional anthem medley to the, catchy tunes of his gangster rap repertoire. 7) Harb’s will be nationalized, and forced to serve good proletaria.‘fa,' franks and beans. eel j 8) To remedy past discriminati only_ women will be allowed to ‘V fighters in the Air Force. Asians will» discouraged from majoring inipath If these demands are not met_wit I \48 hours, I will instruct the Ifivol tionary Vanguard to begin the arm struggle. Deans, professors, and C0- lunch ladies — as pillars of theest lished social order— will be the firs‘, be targeted. ‘ ~ The campaign of violence will on unabated until bourgeois capyali. and the fraternity system are replac with utopian socialism. We are by ture peaceful men (and womyn, a androgenes, and people undergoi hormone treatment), but injustice m be fought! i \ OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_006.2.txt O ' he Ring-tum Stickeri Bum et cetera Phi, April 1, 1994 OPINION i lose your eyes for the Dream pos’ SPACE ' Tom Hespos When one walks into Richard ’ eaver’s Central Headquarters at the igma Nu fraternity house, one can't elp but feel overcome. Posters of eco- omb genius Mike Smitka grace the alls. Motown CDs accentuate the teful rack system on his dresser. A 4. all Betta fighting fish, aptly named ’ 'tta Theta Pi, swims lazily about in a exagonal tank, basking in the glory at is Dream Weaver. We asked the Weaver of Dreams 20 ppropriate questions, to delve deeper to the mind of one of America’s true otnic geniuses: SFX: (Jackson 5 singing “ABC” in ackground) I: Which do you prefer, flame- roiled or fried? Weaver: I’m a vegetarian. I saw Bambi” once and it moved me. PHI: Who is your favorite apostle? Weaver: John. PHI: Are there any other Weavers at we have to worry about? ver: I have a younger brother, andy. PHI: What’s your favorite James ~ - nd movie? Weaver: A View to a Kill. The ason I like A View to a Kill is that it asa reat theme song by Duran Duran. 'ud all James Bond movies by their eme songs. I’m an 80s type guy, and ‘I uran Duran] are 805 type people and e mesh well together. I’m like the ird Duran. PHI: If someone gave you free tick- to go see ZZ Top, would you go? ver: Yes. PHI: How do you get water stains ff of your coffee table? Weaver: I’m not used to furniture, so I don’t have any. I don’t have that problem. PHI: How would you describe your perfect woman? Weaver: Ms. Crawford and I choose not to discuss our private lives. PHI: What’s your favorite dirty nursery rhyme? Weaver: I don’t have one. PHI: Oh, come on. Weaver: Um... The Big Book of Fairy Tales, by Doug Clark. PHI: Do ‘you ever check under your bed for dust bunnies? Weaver: N 0, but I do check for monsters before I go to bed. I hear voices for a couple of hours each day. I think they’re coming from under V my bed, or they could be inside my head, in my teeth. Martians have im- planted little sig- nals in my teeth. They’re trying to talk to me, mess with my mind and steal my secrets. I’m not paranoid... really. SFX: (Bottle of pills rattling for 5 seconds. Three gulps.) PHI: Do you picture yourself with hair in 20 years? Weaver: Yes. Long, blonde hair. PHI: If you could kill one professor in the C-School, who would it be? Weaver: Kill is rather a harsh word. I’d have to say “just really hurt badly and make him suffer.” You’ll read it in the newspapers next week. PHI: Have you ever considered writing a self-help book? Weaver: l’ve considered writing a How To Dress book... Clothes are my thing. People look to me to see what’s in season. I feel I’m there for people that way... We’re really a far_nily over at the Phi, andl wantyou to know that I really care about helpingthe people at this university. PHI: Is Frosted Flakes just a kid’s cereal? _ Weaver: It’s really not, though. It goes in the cat- egory ‘of Fruit Roll-Ups and other stuff like that. It’s really bad for you, but as a kid, you’re restricted from having it. So,I think it’s not a kid’s cereal at all. It’s a food for middle-aged fat people. S F X : (Michael Jack- son singing “Beat It” in the background.) PHI: Do you think '~ they should stop making Police Academy mov- ies? Weaver: I think they ought to merge Police Acad- emy movies and Friday the 13th mov- ies. They could save money that way. PHI: That’s a good idea. Weaver: See, I care about the economy, too. I also care about the environment and the rainforest and The Trident — I want to help them all out. PHI: Has anyone in your family ever been diagnosed with a severe mental illness? Weaver: Well, when one of us has a mental illness, we just shoot them. PHI: That’s a lot like the ancient Greeks. They used to leave defonned children up on mountain tops to die. Weaver: Luckily, I lived. PHI: What do you think about UNC not making it to the Sweet 16 this year? Weaver: I really don’t follow sports. PHI: If you could tell Elvis one thing, what would it be? Weaver: Get out from underneath my bed. PHI: Have you ever spent a Friday night alone? Weaver: Yes. PHI: Care to elaborate? Weaver: No. PHI: Okay — then what’s your favorite Slurpee flavor? . Weaver: I like the blueberry kind. They have it in Florida. The 7-Eleven I go to, right next to the beach, has it. They get it really cold. You micro- wave it before you take it out of the store so you can drink it. PHI: I never thought to do it that way. Weaver: (Laughs). PHI: Can you make anything» of . this surge of polar bears in the news media today? Weaver: I would prefer three-ton whales stuck under ice, but in terms of animals that are just suckers for public- ity, you really have to think about el- ephants. They’re always complaining about ivory and stuff. And who really cares? I like ivory. I think we should have a lot of ivory. As a matter of fact, we should have ivory-lined fraternity houses. We could have mink fur on the walls. We should have everything endangered possible because we are bastions of capitalism and debauchery. Forget what I said about Bambi. SFX: (Small animal squooshed underfoot.) being he man behind the space: Hespos 7-‘REAMLAND , Richard Weaver fuzzy feeling. It makes me reminisce. ' Q: Are you sure that feeling isn’t the belly button pain instead? A: No. Of the many exciting personalities on the Wash- tgton and Lee campus, Torn Hespos definitely has to = nk somewhere. I’m’ not sure where, but that’s not the I int. The point is that we should all know Tom better, ven if anesthesia is required to get through it. LC’s begin round one of our get-to-know you -: ion: Q: Exactly how much do you weigh? A: It’s tough to say, but the last time I checked was hen I was going through PE. 102 (Adoptive and 1 rrective Exercise) and I fluctuate between 240 and .45 pounds. Qallow much of that do you at- fbute to the Letitia Pate Evans Dining all? A: The dining hall actually contrib- tes a lot, because I tend to get really A asted on weekends and go there for much the next day. The whole drink- g-aw!-food thing makes my weight 0 through the roof. Q: Are you planning a lawsuit? A: Yes, I plan to sue Dean Howison. M, NEWS “mm mm “Enos » st because everything in the world oes through his office. Q: Is any part of your body currently infected? A: No, not currently. To tell the truth, though, I get ‘ is shkening sensation in my stomach when I stick y finger in my belly button. Q: What’s your favorite Madonna song? A: “Like A Virgin,”because it gives me that warm, .2 games? Q: Should the Generals utilize voodoo in their A: Absolutely. If they had used voodoo prior to the Bermuda Bowl, nothing bad could have come Q: Who would you choose as and Lee? the new president of Washington _ I I A: That’s a toughiefl have ‘de- voted a lot of thought to this, but if I had to make a judgement, I would definitely say Moke Wolfe, because he has the capacity to do whatever he wants if he sets his heart to it. “Darren?” Q: On the TV show, Bewitched, did you prefer the first or second ALTER-EGO SPOS A: I really had no preference, but I was kind of offended that the TV industry would try to putone over on me. Did they think I wouldn’t notice? That of- fends me. Q: Aren’t I a cool person? A: Richard Weaver is a very cool person insofar as his musical tastes are far superidhto anybody I know. roni?” once in Little League. i nterviews and Photos 4: yi Phil Q: Should it be called “macaroni and cheese” or “cheese and maca- A: Definitely cheese and macaroni. If you go through the ingredients, you can see cheese is the larger of the two ingredients in proportion. Q: Do you believe in voodoo? A: To some extent. It helped me hit a curveball family? from it. They should have sacrificed live chickens before the plane left. ‘f’: Q: "What: wouldtyou name your ,5-,;, -.- ;.:... , -1- .. :.. 7' ’ ‘A: My son would have to be Tho-‘ mas F. Hespos, Jr. My daughter would be named Quasimodo Quogue. It’s a small town on the east end of Long Island and it’s a really cool name. Plus that name will ensure that boys will not want to date her when she’s 16. It will make my job a little bit easier. And Uncle Vito’s, too. Q: Who is your favorite member of the Jackson A: Definitely Tito. I like him because of his hat he wore on that Jackson 5 cartoon. I have a really cool hat like it, but I only wear it when I’m playing a**hole. Q: Isn’t it hard to pronounce words with aster- isks in them? A: Sometimes you have to stop and look over what the word might be. Q: What’s your fish like? A: He’s an African black rubber eel. His name is Gus, because I name all my fish Gus, after this alcoholic dude my Dad hired a couple of summers ago. He liked to get bottles of gin during work hours and sit in the van and talk to himself when I drove. There, that wasn’t that painful. You may now pick up your final exam on this material from Carol Calkins. Good luck! TALKBACK Fat? The Fat People’s Club will be holding an organizational meeting in Payne and Newcomb Halls on Wednesday at 6 p.m. Comejoin the fun. Ride I need a ride to Oregon on April 3. Will pay for gas, food, hotels, nighttime entertainment, personal masseuse, long-cut roses, etc. Call Bill at 463-5532. Job Needed ASAP: person to fill the office of President of Washington and Lee University. No experience required; must have good working knowledge of bricks. Apply out- side the Co-op. WLUR WLUR 91.5 will broadcast HowardStem’smomingradioshow from now. Complaints may be reg- istered in Reid Hall. Or go screw yourself. General Notes are compiled by Vincimus 'I‘urner. Democrats The College Democrats will be conducting a seminar, “How to Deny Just About Anything With A ’ Straight Face,” on S‘ugnd_ay at 2 pm. ’ in the Arlington Women’s Center.. ~ » The group’s recent purchase of the Brooklyn Bridge will also be dis- cussed. .. FDA: Members of the Fancy Dress committeewillbesellingtheirsouls outside the Co-op on Friday. Come by and help make up that budget deficit! Calyx Come have your picture taken forthis year’s Calyx! Please! We’ll pay YOU. We’ll bill it home to OUR parents! We’ll give you a free set of Ginsu knives just for showing up! Come to the Univer- sity Center. Lex/W&L The Lexington residents/Wash- ington and Lee students together- ness group will meet at Sharks next to the Mortal Kombat game on Monday at 6 p.m. Ed Yoder is the root of all evil in the world To the editor: I am writing once again to protest the luciferogous actions of Professor Ed Yoder. , I now have conclusive proof that Yoderwas on the grassy knoll in Dal- las ana*'fi':e‘d me‘ silver‘ brillet"V"\3hl'c§h“7' killed JFK. Not only did’he kill JFK and cover it up, but the evil Yoder went on to provoke the Vietnam War in the late 19605. What kind of man would work to bring down a president and then accept underhand payments from Bill Clinton ’s campaign? And don’t forget, Ed Yoder shot J.R. Ewing in front of millions of people. And how is he rewarded? The arch-fascists of Wash- ington and Lee University give him office space and young people to cor- rupt and make fun of in The Washing- ton Post. It’s the people like Ed Yoder who fififiilfhe light’ ‘of trtrth, and I’ve I decided that I am the-flashlight of jus- tice, and I’m going to shine in on the evil Yoder. I hereby challenge him to a duel, to be aired live on television. As it is said in the movies, “I’m gonna git you, sucka.” Dr. Gary Martin Sector 4, The Bermuda Triangle Roddey thanks Bob for advice, cash To the editor: ‘ I’ve decided to take all of the money The Ring-tum Phi saved up this year, and go to Bermuda with it. I’d like to thank Bob Tompkins for giving me the sheer inspiration to do a good job on the business side. If we had more people like Bob, newspapers in the country would be a lot better. If I hadn’t followed his inspira- tional financial reasoning, the Phi would have only had enough money for me to take off to south Georgia. Sorry I couldn’t keep those pesky news people at the Phi from bothering you less, but you know how they are sometimes. Thanks for the spending money! Kevin “G-Money” Roddey How would you look with Professor Smitka’s beard? J. D. Futch, Professor of Goslren & ndolas — ‘‘I look like Lincoln! is is blasphemy!" Ashby Hackney, ’94, absentee E. C. Secretary -— “I’d hate to think what Professor Smitka looks like in this thing.” El Presidente John Wilson and Ellen Lewis, ’92 — “We couldn’t be happier to be wearing such a great beard. Hey, bonds, Daddy!” David Howison, Dean of Bocci — “No sir, I don’t like it. I am not a Smitka-beard person.” Anne Schoer-Lamont, Dean of Re- lations Between Opposing Genders and Intersexual Phenomena-“This isn’t the kind of beard I’d chose; Mine would be a mutton chops and mus- tache combo, original, like me. I just gotta be me!” OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_007.2.txt PAGE ATE Generals football lost in storm While quizzing By SIRAH GLIBBERT Phi Not-quite Homecoming Queen nominee “lt’s an ill wind that blows no one good,” a wise man once said. The only good Hurricane Michael blew the Washington and Lee Gener- als this week was a prolonged vacation from the University —— how long the Generals will be lost at sea is yet to be discovered. The Generals were on their way to a quiz bowl in Bennuda when their char- . tered/stolen/borrowed/beggedjet/boat/ - raft/hang glider was crashed in the famed Bermuda Rhombus. Now, just imagine how amazing this story would have been if it had been finished before the deadline. In fact, fill in your own story. If you like it, show it to your friend. Maybe you will discover a hidden talent. All because I did not finish this story be- fore 7 a.m. What can I say. I am a humanitarian. {:4 E3? 0 The Ring-tum Phi, It’s the end of the world as we know it, but we feel fine SPORTS | filoxe /\X),L2‘\/lT—2.-’l2«'Lv\g-tuvvx. pkl’ /VV\a}ar General awarels car tke lien sexiest, /W Faculty 6 /) €9a/tam (go//hilon 2) flat/naea Séraymtta 3) .%mm Wham 24) Wm?/I 5) gamed 6') gwmmd 93005405 7 ) ge// Ma;/9/% 8) (9%/heme .9) Qltma .0/P’/ma /0) go/m <7/unflinme gjke fmaiar Generals were clsosen lay tke wewxevx at: We ’Q«'Lv\g-iiuwx 4-M ené .- 'WEFW 1 ‘T _‘__~.___-__—___..__---_____...____....____--__-_‘..___ 12-2:30 p.m. Our spectacular Easter Buffet will overwhelm you with a dazzling array of entrees, fresh fruits, vegetables, and our chef ’s luscious desserts Sizes Adults: $13.95 Children: $6.95 (age 10 & under) Reservations requested, so call now, as seating is limited! 463-3020 ..--__-___-.—_‘_—____‘--—_--..__---_-‘,_——s.-‘—_---‘ ‘IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII __-.__—.._.-._u. ‘--______—-.—u.‘--__.—.._‘_——‘_‘___.....—_——.-‘.___ Self Storage Now Open Open 8 a.m. -5 p.m. daily, by appointment on Saturday. 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ITALIAN CREMINI 49 gMUSHROOMS 8 OZ.PKG. fi SELECTED VARIETIES OCEAN SPRAY CRANBERRY JUICE il“ PEPSI OR DIET PEPSI WEEKLY SPECIAL SELECTED VARIETIES 'M|CHEL|NA’S ENTREES » 199 WEEKLY SPECIAL - IN THE DEU-BAKERY APPLE OR CHERRY TURNOVERS SPORTS PAGE NUEVE “T299 I HARRIS TEI:TER...THE BEST IS WHAT WE'RE ALL ABOUT SELECTED VARIETIES I SALON sELEcnvEs HAIRIB9 CARE PRODUCT .97 FRY I4-I602. OZ. HT REGULAR, BBQ OR HT RIPPLE I POTATO CHIPS 82. 066 sELEcrED VARIETIES O99 \7ERMIcELu VI P STIR CREAMETTE SPAGHETII 7oz.U59~ IN THE DELI- BAKERY I79 Prices Effective Throu h Prices In This Ad Eltective Wednesday‘ March 2_3 Through Tu s 06 March 29,1 99:! ‘In our Lexington 4 OnIy.We Reserve The Right To LlmlI Quontmes. None Sol To NACHO SELECTED "I202. March 29, I934 VARIETIES PKG- eolers. We Glodly Accept Federal food Stamps. BOCCI BY THE NUMBERS Standings as of the EC’s horrendously unfair defeat of the Phi bocci team Leading Hecklers Player Pts lgpg Greg Patterson 666 6 Tom Hes os 665 332.5 Spencer olladay 501 7 Fran Kefalas 117 13 Bob Tompkins 116 89 Michael Hewlett 114 99 Beth Provanzana 98 17 Leading Suers Amount Player L $unspecified millions Bob Tompkins Fran Kefalas (represented by RZIJCCV “Reggie” Aggarwal and Hampton Nager, Esqs? $384896 milion Bocci moment of the week... This photo is lovely ; Sarah IS the one with the smaller butt. Bob Thomkins, EC czar, and Sarah Gilbert, Ring-tum Phi queen, face off in the last bocci ‘ game. The next is March 25, _today, freshman mertiyyersus fresman. women. , 1 9‘ “T :_ ‘.- f‘! V — , i . I I I I I I I I I T I l l l I I I I I I I I I I T 1 I I J I l l I l I I I I I I II I I I I 1 I I I I I I I I I 1 I I L I l I I l l I I I I I I I I I l l I I I I I II LLI i 1 i i i i i i i 1 i I i I I I I nunrnr r i i i i i i i i i 1 1 i r i i i E I I 1 1 I : E I E i 1 E E i i 1 1 1 1 i u l I l I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I E E I I I I I I I I I I I I I I l I A I I I I E I E I I I I I I I I I I l I I I T I I I I I I I [I I IIIILIIIILIIEIIYTIIIIIIIIIIII IE1 Tlllllllllllll IIIIIYTIII IIIIIIIIITIIIIIILLIJIIIIIIII 1994-95 Z Editor for Calyx : Business Manager For Caylx ~ Editor For Political Review Editor for Journal of Science I Editor for Ariel I : Resumesand Cover Letters Due April 1, 5 p.m. in Carol Calkins’ O ” Interviews April 25 IIIITTTIIITTTI ice I : I I I I I I I I I I I T 1 1 I J l I l l I I I I l I J I I l I I I I I I I I I I IIIII l l I l I I I I IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTI I I I I I I l l I I I I l I I I I I I I I I I I I T l I I I I I l ll M-aura:-v OCR::/Vol_093/WLURG39_RTP_19940401/WLURG39_RTP_19940401_009.2.txt Last Week: THIS IS A TEST. THIS IS ONLY ATEST. IF THIS HAD BEEN A REAL ISSUE, YOU MAY NOT HAVE LAUGHED. People at W&L ran, jumped, threw, and played with all ‘ different sizes of balls @112 ilting-tum ifllti Spears Next Week: Someone will win, someone will lose, we all will watch them happily athleticize PAGE 12 . VILBER If I ’agilenaveinadjtiiezgtaiii‘? 1asn’.t;forher.’Shejsibeen . now you ‘l|Ku'lUuI|_V |'|«~lI|U||0u- 5 T (I? I £4/"—'