OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990111/WLURG39_RTP_19990111_001.2.txt 0 0112 iii VOLUME 101, No. 11 Freshman dies in car accident Speeding truck driver causes massive pileup on Interstate 81 By Polly Doig NEWS EDITOR Slippery early morning conditions on Interstate 81 near Lexington and an out-of-control tractor-trailer com- bined to claim the life of a Washing- ton and Lee University freshman on Sunday, Jan. 3. Jonathan Owen Nabors, 19, ofA1a- baster, Ala., was returning from Christ- mas break to begin his second semes- ter at W&L when the car in which he was traveling with his family was crushed between two tractor-trailers in a l6-vehicle pileup. Nabors and his 15-year-old sister Leah Marie were killed instantly in the accident. Nabors’ mother was transported to Roanoke Memorial Hospital, where she was initially listed in critical con- dition and put on life support. As of Friday evening, she remained in criti- cal condition. His father Eddie Nabors also sus- tained injuries, but was released from Roanoke Memorial on Friday, and is expected to return to Alabama for a memorial service for his children. Dean of Freshmen Mark Dalhouse has been the school’s contact with the Nabors family. “I was just so impressed by the fam- ily,” Dalhouse said. “They’re just ex- tremely close-knit, and are handling this tragedy extremely well under the circumstances.” The Nabors have no other children. “My heart goes out to them,” Dalhouse said. The accident began early on the morning of Jan. 3, with the occurrence of a relatively minor accident. The ve- hicles involved had been moved to the side of the road, and a State Police of- ficer was helping travelers when a trac- tor-trailer traveling too fast for condi- tions hit the police car and jackknifed. The driver of the tractor-trailer, Douglas Hubert Austin, 49, of the Memphis area, was killed in the wreck. Within moments, however, at least I 1 other vehicles, five of them tractor- trailers, had piled up in one of the worst accidents local rescue squads have dealt with in years. A total of 28 people were injured, and the interstate was closed for approximately 12 hours with traffic backed up for miles. See related story on page 4 Police arrest two on drug charges - Student calls police raid an act of ‘madness,’ questions methods By Heather McDonald STAFF WRITER Senior Andrew Harrell and former W&L senior Alexander Chris Kurnellas were arrested on drug charges after a 10-man tactical team searched their three-story house in early December. An informant purchased a quar- ter pound of marijuana from Kumellas on Dec. 4, according to the Rockbridge Regional Drug Task Force. The search warrant was served the night of Dec. 5 by a tactical team consisting of Virginia State Police, Lexington City Police Tactical Teams, a state police canine handler and deputies from the Rockbridge County Sheriffs Department. After the search, Kurnellas was charged with l) distribution of more than .5 02. but less than 5 lbs. of marijuana, 2) possession with the intent to distribute more than .5 oz but less than 5 lbs., and 3) distribu- tion of more than .5 oz. but less than 5 lbs. of marijuana. The first charge carries a maxi- mum penalty of 10 years and a $2,500 fine; the second charge car- ries a maximum penalty of 30 days and a $500 fine; the third charge car- ries the same penalty as the first charge. Kumellas withdrew from W&L at the beginning of winter term. Harrell was charged with misdemeanor pos- session of marijuana. Harrell described the night that the search warrant was served as “madness.” “There were a lot of people, in full riot gear, and they dragged [all five residents] out ofbed . . . It was just madness. I’ve watched COPS on TV before, when they bust people for illegal arms smuggling and they didn’t use this many people. [The cops] scared the shit out of us,” Harrell said. “They wouldn’t let us get dressed [during the search] !” Harrell I; said. “I was sitting injust my box- ers in the coldest room ofthe house, for like two hours, while they searched the house. They tried to question me, and they refused to let me get dressed. I was like, ‘No, this isn’t illegal or anything.”’ Bob Chapel, of the Rockbridge Regional Drug Task Force, said the bust wa: routine in nature. In the past year, there have been more than 100 busts in the Rockbridge, Lexing- ton and Buena Vista areas. “We normally use seven or eight men on a tactical team,” Chapel said, “But this house had three levels, so we used ten men.” Chapel said he was unsure how much the operation cost. “[The DTF] doesn’t add up the costs. However, the costs include things like man hours, vehicles, gas, wear and tear on the wires (for trans- mitting information), and money used to buy the drugs from the in- formant,” Chapel said. Harrell thinks what he viewed as the seriousness of the bust may have been due to what the informant may have told the police. “[The informant] might have told them we had more stuff, but there really wasn’t,” Harrell said. “[The informant] lived at our house over the summer. We gave him free room and board, and he cut our grass. . . He used to be the main supplier [of marijuana] to W&L, but then when someone started selling it for less, he got mad.” “Nothing has made sense in the past few days,” Harrell said. “It’s all fascinating to me that they did all of this for a bunch of guys with a little pot. They’re nuts. l’ve never seen anyone get guns pointed at them for having pot! Even the war- rant just said marijuana. . . no co- caine, no hard drugs.” In addition to the marijuana, po- lice found $500 worth of highway road signs in the house. Charges have not been brought against the residents of the house forthese signs. Harrell maintains the signs are not theirs. “Some fraternity had the house for five years [before us]. We rented the house from a landlord. The road signs were stacked in corners when we got there, and we just left them there. . . They aren’t ours,” Harrell said. LEXINGTON, VIRGINIA 24450 Hg-tum {flirt WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIvERsITY’s WEEKLY NEWSPAPER MONDAY, JANUARY 1 1, 1999 Sorority rushees listen carefully to the rules they must obey during their last day of rush. During the next two onth, these girls will be at the heck and call of their future ‘sisters.’ More about women’s rush on pages 6 and 7. Elrod recovers from surgery By Polly Doig NEWS EDITOR Washington and Lee University President John W. Elrod underwent surgery last Thursday to remove a cancerous kidney. , The.operation has been termed an initial success, according to W&L’s director of communications Brian Shaw, and Elrod is resting com- fortably at the New York Hospital where the procedure was performed. “As far as we know he is doing very well,” Shaw said. “The surgery proceeded as expected and his doc- tors reported that things ‘looked good.’ The final report on the analy- sis of the tissue around the kidney that was removed will not be avail- able until the end ofnext week.” The surgery was performed by W&L alumnus Dr. Darracott Vaughan ’6l, the head of the urology depart- ment at Cornell University. Elrod was initially diagnosed with transitional cell carcinoma in his right kidney at the Augusta Medi- cal Center. Dr. Vaughan confirmed the diagnosis when Elrod sought a second opinion. “John experienced some discomfort and had it checked out,” Shaw said. “The examination revealed the cancer. His first diagnosis was in mid-Decem- ber. The second opinion was deliv- ered just before Christmas.” Although risks exist every time a Hotline misdialers bother Lex resident By Polly Doig NEWS EDITOR For Lexington resident Pam Mayo, snow is a bittersweet event. Her husband earns part of his living plowing snow. Yet, along with the season’s first flakes, Mayo can an- ticipate a flurry of unwanted early morning phone calls. Mayo’s phone number is 463- GOOD, one digit away from Wash- ington and Lee University’s inclem- ent weather line, 462-GOOD. “Basically, anytime the weather gets bad, these calls start pour- ing in from students wanting to know what the road conditions are,” Mayo said. “The majority of them occur before 7 a.m., and I’ve had people call at 2 in the morn- ing before.” According to Mayo, the problem has been ongoing for more than a year now, with no sign of slowing down, as evidenced by last week’s bad weather and subsequent calls. “[Last week] when the weather was so bad, I got ahnost 70 calls between 7 and 10 a.m.,” Mayo said. “And I have caller I.D., and most said W&L.” The common error is com- pounded for Mayo by W&L stu- dents’ rude behavior. “Most of the time, I answer the "phone, and peoplejust immediately hang up,” Mayo said. “They don’t even have the courtesy to say ‘sorry, wrong number.’ I’ve only spoken to one girl who was nice enough to tell me that she was try- ing to reach the weather line.” Changing her phone number, however, is not an option for Mayo. “I’ve had my phone number for a good while now,” Mayo said. “I don’t see why I should have to change my number. The university should do something about this problem. Brian [Shaw, director of communications] said that he’s go- ing to try and get another number, so he’s working on it.” According to Shaw, the univer- sity is looking to make a change with the existing system, but is encoun- tering problems. “We are looking for a differ- ent number at this point,” Shaw said. “However, the problem is that 463 numbers, in particular those that are easy to remember, are hard to come by.” For the time being, when the weather in Lexington takes a turn for the worse, not worrying about the phone ringing and getting a full night’s sleep is an impossibility for Mayo. “We run our business out of our home, and when my husband’s out on the road I have to take these calls,” Mayo said. Ellie fling-tum ilfihi January 11,1999 OPINION: W&LIFE: weather SPORTS: patients undergo general anesthesia, the removal of a kidney is not consid- ered to be high risk, and Dr. Vaughan is optimistic regarding the operation. He said that no follow-up treatment will be necessary, if, as he suspects, the tumor has been caught early. Elrod is expected to return to Lex- ington within five to seven days after the operation, according to Shaw. “After he gets back he will recu- perate at Lee House and probably do some work,” Shaw said. “We don’t really expect him to be back at full ca- pacity until the first of February at the earliest.” Throughout Elrod’s period of re- cuperation, his office is being man- aged by Farris Hotchkiss, vice presi- dent of university relations, and Laurent Boetsch, vice president for academic affairs. “We had to reschedule a few meet- ings at which John’s presence was essential,” Shaw said, “but basically it has been, and will be, business as usual until John is fully recovered and back working.” Shaw stressed that the operation is relatively minor in nature, and that Elrod is expected to make a full recovery. “There are many people who have this operation and go on to lead nor- mal, active lives,” Shaw said. “There has been absolutely no talk of him stepping down.’ Aside from this prob- lem, John is healthy, vigorous and ready to lead the university. ‘ Rush Statistics: Number of rushees: 236 Number of upperclass rushees: 5 Number of transfer rushees: 4 Pledge Statistics: Number ofofficial pledges: 200 Number of upperclass pledges: 4 House Sigma Alpha Epsilon Phi Kappa Sigma Sigma Chi Sigma Phi Epsilon Phi Kappa Psi Kappa Sigma Phi Gamma Delta Sigma Nu Pi Kappa Phi Phi Delta Theta Chi Psi Pi Kappa Alpha Beta Theta Pi Lamda Chi Alpha 1999 Men’s Rush and Pledge Statistics Number of freshmen ineligible for rush due to grades: 26 —c0urteSy of the Interfraternity Council Parking problems persist, Independent com- plains about Greek pranks Phish album disappoints, tips for surviving cold PAGE 3 PAGES 4 Men’s basketball wins, wrestling wins PAGES 5 Sorority rush results on pages 6 and 7 OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990111/WLURG39_RTP_19990111_002.2.txt A. , @112 fling-tum lflht " ‘ ,’ v .'L-I,’ ' V PAGE? E S JANUARY1l,l999 - Phi congratulates students who achieved Dean’s List A The following students have completed fall term with 12 or more credits with a term g.p.a. of at least 3.400 and cumulative g.p.a. of at least 2.000 and no individual grade below C (2.0). * * Indicates that the student is also on the Washington and Lee Honor Roll for completing fall term with a term g.p.a of at least 3.750. Mims Eshelman Adams ’99A Brittany Anne Ahlstrom ’00A Sarah Lynn Aiman ’99A ** Didem Akyel ’0lA Charles Woodruff Allen ’99A Ashley Alliene Anderson ’0lA Sergei Alexandrovich Antonov ’99A ** Lee Anne Applegate ’0lA Kendra Louise Archer ’99C "‘* John Talbot Arnold ’99C Elizabeth Anne Arthur ’99A ** David Neely Averyt ’O2A Michele Lee Backus ’O2A ** William Jeffrey Bahl ’O2A Kathleen Evingston Baird ‘02A ** Kathryn Rhett Baldwin ’0lA *" Robert Renton Baldwin ’0OA ** Christopher McNeill Ball ’00A Joseph Bassam Barakat ’0lA Rachael Elizabeth Barlow ’99A ** Jeffrey William Barnes ’0lA ** Ann Cabell Baskervill ’O2A ** Evan Wareing Beale ’0lA Jackson Talley Beardsley ’0lA Taylor Beaupain ’00C Joshua Thornton Beckham ’99A Andrew Duane Beckler ’99A ** Emily Ann Belcher ’O0C Shannon Elizabeth Bell ’00A Kelly Elizabeth Benson ’99C Edmund Travis Bentson ’OOC Samuel Moore Chase ’99A Vanessa Louise Chen ’0lA "”* Brent Tyler Christ ’99C William David Christ ’0lA ** John Paul Cimina ’O2A Lance V. Clack ’00A Elizabeth Taff Clark ’00A Ladonna Blaine Clarke ’O2A Edward Cantey Clarkson ’00A *"‘ Meagan Elizabeth Clement ‘02A ** Matthew James Clymer ’O0C ** Laura Michelle Cohen ’99A ** Sarah Lauren Cohen ’O2A Michele Kim Connors ’00A Jeffery Kenneth Cook ’0lA Hillary Beth Coombs ’99A “”“ David Paul Cooper ’99A Minton Truitt Cooper ’99A Timothy Francis Cormier ’0lA Deirdre Rose Coyle ’00A Jordan Lorne Coyle ’0lA ** Andrew William Crawford ’0lA John Aubrey Creek ’O2A Robert Brian Crews ’0lA Kathleen Grace Curameng ’00C David Jason Damiani ’00A Gary Cornelius Davis ’O2A Jennifer Lynn Davis ’0lA Joshua Isaac Davis ’99C Lillian Hallett Davis ’99A ** Russell Alan Davis ’m A Russell Kingsbury George ’0OA Kathryn Joan Giard ’.OOA Frances Norwood Gilbert ’99C Nicole Suzanne Gilkeson ’O2A ** John Michael Gilman ’99C Jordan Samuel Ginsberg ’0lA ** Carl Robert Ginther ’00C Jude Collin Gleason ’OOA ** Matthew Lee Gooch ’0lA Sara Kate Goodwin ’0OA Alysia Margaret Graber ’99C Tarah Shana Grant ’99A ** Amy Harnbly Gray ’99A Charles Tyler Green ’0lA ** , Riley Erickson Greene ’OOA ** Frances Parnes Grobcrg ’0lA Thomas Galen Grove ’O2A Susan Ellen Groves ’0lA ** John David Grumbine ’99C Lee Ann Gschwind ’99A "‘* Gerald Lionel Guilbert ’O2A ** Aaron Louis Haberman ’99A Eline Elly Haenebalcke ’O2A Nathaniel James Hager ’99A Donald Clayton Hall ’O0C Hayley King Hall ’00A ** Leah Michelle Hall ’99A ** Sarah Louise Hall ’0OA Sarah Ann Hardee ’0lA Mary Elizabeth Harmon ’99A Judson Ian Harper ’99C William Alexander Kanner ’00A Chase Alvin Karsman ’99A Alyssa Rachel Kaufman ’99C Julie Ann Kelley ’O2A Christoph Arne Kemnade ’99C Clayton Hughes Kennedy ’O2A Mark Allen Kennedy ’0lA Tyler James Kenning ’0lA Martha Mason Kieckhefer ’99A HyeWon Kim ’0lA ** Kevin Maxwell Kimmel ’99C "”“ Emory Frampton Kinder ’99A Isis Calculus Kirby-O’Connell ’99A “* Jeremy Brian Kirkland ’O2A Ellen Sue Klenk ‘00A ** Matthew John Klimas ’O0A Jeremy Todd Knezek ’00C Jill Elizabeth Kosch ’O0A ** Matthew Lee Kozora ’O2A Anne Monica Lachiewicz ’O2A Jane Selden Lacy ‘OIA Lauren Elizabeth LaFauci ’0lA Katherine Caulkins Lamb ’0lA Corinne O’Hayer Lane ’O2A Samuel Paul Langholz ’O2A *"‘ Jennifer Rachel Law ’O2A ** Michael Joseph Leaser ‘99A Charles Drake Leddy ’99C ** Alice Saunders Lee ’0lA Joyce Kerri Lee ’00A David Andrew Lehman ’00(‘ Michael James Miraglia ’0lA Darlene Antonia Mitrano ’O2A Meredith Anne Mlynar ’O0C ** Kathryn Ross Mobley ’O2A Thomas Vincent Monaco ’0lA Lee Price Moncrief ’0lA Abigail Louise Montgomery ’O2A ** Catherine Marie Moore ’99C ** Erin Katherine Moroney ’99A Kathleen Moroney ’0lA ** Jordan Cameron Morris ’00A ** David Whitfield Morriss ’99A "‘* Ezra Starling Morse ’O2A Robert O’Connor Moynihan ’O2A Daniel MacKenzie Myer ’O2A Christian Kleven Myers ’00A ** Elizabeth Anne Nacozy ’O2A ** Robert Partlow Nafiel ’02A Matthew Paul Neumayer ’00C "‘* Kristoffer Johan Neville ’99A ** Elizabeth Ann Newton ’O2A Erica Neyland ’0lA Jason Allyn Nichols ’00A ** Roshni Mona Nirody ’00A ** Casey Conrad Nixon ’0lA Kelly Elizabeth Norton ’99C James Matthew OBrion ’0lA Autumn Jean Oczkowski ’00A Ji-Won Oh ’O2A Elizabeth Leigh Olson ’0lA ** Michael Dennis O’Neill ’oor‘ Hampton Booth Richards ’99A Carolyn Marie Richardson ’00C Elizabeth Umstead Richey ’99A Brian David Ricketts ’00A Katherine Michelle Riddle ’00A Sarah Lynn Riggs ’0lA "‘* Leah Edwards Robinson ’99A ** Jesse Alan Rockoff ’O2A ** Fon Rogers ’O2A Angela Christine Roman ’0lA *“ Leonard Calvin Rorrer ’99A Christopher Charles Rosen ’99C Jeffrey Scott Rotondi ’99A August Frederick Ruckdeschel ’O0C Susan Lee Ruge ’O2A ** Kimberly Ann Russell ’0lA ** Nicholas Robert Ryan-Lang ’0lA ** Linda Marie Salerno ’99A "‘* David Allen Saunders ’99C Paul Josef Saupe ’99C ** Leah Michelle Sawyer ’0lA Nicholas Warren Sayers ’O2A Nicholas David Sbema ’O2A Leah Camille Schaefer ’00A Sarah Elizabeth Schandler ’O2A Peter Carey Schaumber ’99A Daniel Martin Schreeder ’O2A Emily Lynn Schulz ’00A Carl Edward Schulze ’99A ** Megan Lindahl Schwarz ’0lA i(.=u.. c........... o.... !(\I\r‘ .. Marshall Hunter Sutton ’99A Elizabeth Lucille Swann ’O2A Stephanie Frederick Sweet ’O2A Andrew Harlan Tapley ’99A Susan Erica Terzian ’00C ** _ Amanda Lauren Thayer ’00C J‘ Matthew Mike Theodorakis ’99C Corinne Carter Thomas ’O2A ** Elizabeth Colgate Thomas ’O2A "* Ben Randolph Thompson ’00A Matthew Adrian Thurlow ’00A James Taylor Thurman ’O2A Gerald Morton Titus ’00A Jennifer Anne Titus ’00A Micah Paul Tolman ’O2A ** Alison Marie Trinidad ’O2A ** Abram Jonas Trosky ’O2A Campbell Lanier Tuskey ’99A ‘* Rebecca Ashley Tyson ’O2A ' Sumnima Udas ’0lA Julieann Veronica Ulin ’0lA ** Shannon Viar Upchurch ’99A ** George Michael Urban ’99C p Nathan Kyle Urquhart ’0lA ** Jennifer Marie Vallidis ’99A ** Robert Chris Vanderbrouk ’O2A ** Geoffrey Brian Veale ’99C ** Khanh Don Nhat V0 ’00A James Turner Vosseller ‘OOA ** Jodi Lynn Walberg ’O2A . vnnn ‘C Gerard Anand Best ’O2A Joseph Michael Bestic ’99A ** Morrison Curtis Bethea ’O2A Juliet Marie Bickford ’00A Daniel Moffitt Birdwhistell ’0lA Erik Robert Bittner ’99C Richard Cappe Black ’O2A ** Thomas Gately Blair ’99C Tully Talbot Blalock ’00C Robert Worrell Bland ’O2A "‘* Suzanne Miriam Blum ’00A ** Julie Alissa Boncarosky ‘01C Christopher George Bond ’99C lsaris Bonilla ’99C Kristen Renee Bonnema ’02A ** Kristine Ann Borden ’99A Elizabeth Eleanor Borges ’0lA Bret Douglas Bowerrnan ’99C ** Rachel Leanne Bowes ’0lA "‘* Lee Alexander Bowles ’0lA ** Heather Marie Bradley ’99A ** Lauren Elizabeth Bradshaw ’0lA ** Christine Elizabeth Bragg ’99A Robert Roy Brigance ’99A Elizabeth Calder Britt ’99C Ronald Norval Brown ’00C James Andrew Browne ’00A ** Rebecca Ann Bruggeman ’99C *‘f‘ Virginia Ann Brumby ’0lA "‘* Allison Michelle Bruneau ’0lA Erin Ashley Buck ’00A ** Mary-Sommers Burger ’99A Kristen Elizabeth Burr ’00A ** Amy Lynn Calce ’0lA Mackenzie Smyth Caldwell ‘OOA ** Ruth Elizabeth Caldwell ’0lA Joseph Boyd Camak ’00A Scott Stewart Cameron ’0lA ** Amanda Lynn Cannon ’O2A ** Claire Anne Cannon ’99A Carolyn Lee Carlson ’00A Brian Christopher Carney ’00C Joshua Eben Carpenter ’00A Thomas Martin Carr ’99A Kristin Ellen Carroll ’O2A Wendy Nadia Case ’0lA John Brandon Chalk ’00A ** Joshua Donald Chamberlain ’0lA ** Enid Elizabeth Dean ‘99A Mary Nelson Dickinson ’99A Benjamin Grant Dickson ’O2A ** Emily Barrington Dixon ’O2A ** Nancy Elizabeth Dixon ’00A Peter Gardner Dodge ’99A Allyson Ann Doiron ’0lA Allison Agnes Doyle ’99C Mary Hagood Drennen ’O2A Henry Charles Driscoll ’00A ** Ruth Wakefield Duncan ’0lA Keri Anne Dunphy ’99A "* Ellen Rebecca Dupps ’0lA Bess Jones DuRant ’O2A Katherine Derbes Eagan ’0lA “* Dana Marie Early ’0lA ** Brooke Erica Easton ’99C Christopher Alan Edwards ’99A ** George Frederick Eichleay ’0lA Ashley Elizabeth Eigher ’99C ** Ryan Mark Elliott ’99C ** Katherine Elsnab ’O2A Courtney Leighan Emich ’O2A Brian Jeffrey Euterrnoser ’00A ** Craig Sloan Evans ’99C Noelle Elizabeth Evans ’O2A ** Elizabeth Brooke Evenson ’O2A Hillary Camilla Everist ’00A MacNeille Everist ’O2A Alicia Marie Faderewski ’00C- John Lee Farringer ’99A Joel Patrick Fechisin ’0lA ** Sarah Elizabeth Feinberg ’99C ** Erin Kathleen Ferguson ’0lA ** Sean Brandon Fierke ’99A Shelby Ryan Fierke ’O2A ** Megan Poynter Fink ’00A Rebecca Helen Fitzsimmons ’99A Silvana Elizabeth Flinn ’O2A Emily Thomas Fonnan ’0lA *"‘ Lauren Ann Francis ’99A ** Amy Michelle Frazier ’99A Tara Ann Friedel ’O2A Jennifer Ann Frost ’99C Matthew J. Gallo ’O2A Noelle Marie Gamble ’00C Thomas Henry Garrett ’00C Gregg Joseph Genetti ’99C ** Malcolm Erskine Harris ’99A Mary Rebecca Harris ’99A Joshua Thomas Harvey ’O0A ** James Worrill Haslam ’99C Christopher Edward Hatzis ’00A ** Joseph Pierce Hawkins ’00C Geoffrey Bradford Haydon ’0OC ** Lezael Andrea Haynes ’00C ** Victoria Clark Hays ’0lA Anne Cummins Hazlett ’0lA Raquelle Alicia Headley ’0lA Michael L. Healey ’00A Warren Eliot Hedges ’00A Frederick Mark Heiser ’0lA Shari Noelle Henderson ’0lA Daniel Ewell Hendricks ’99A ** ‘Robert Lewis Hendricks ’O0C Pamela Gray Herbert ’99A ** Margaret Kelley Herring ’99A Wade Randall Hess ’O2A Sara Naomi Heusel ’O2A ** Kenneth Brooks Hickman ‘02A ** Mary Kimbrell Hight ’00C Kristen Noel Hitchens ‘00A ** Margaret Anne Hoehl ’99A ** Wesley Alden Hoke ’00A ** Graham Davis Holding ’O2A Marium Grace Holland ’99A ** Scott McLean Hook ’00A Nathan Rollins Hoot ’0lA ** 0 Stephen Day Hopkins ’00A Rosalie M. Taylor Homer ’00A ** Stephen Christopher Hostetler ’O2A Paul Daniel Hourigan ’99C ** Heather Michelle Howard ’O2A ** Nadiyah Mateen Howard ’99A Matthew James Howenstein ’0lA John David Huntington ’99C Elizabeth Parry Huston ’99A G-Yoon Im ’O2A Sula Beatrice Jacobs ’00A Christopher Patrick Johnson ’00A Cynthia Ann Johnson ‘OOC ** Deena Nicole Johnson ’0lA James Gowen Johnson ’99A Tyler Scott Jorgensen ’0lA ** Teresa Kelley Joy ’99A ** Stephen James Kalista ’99A Elizabeth Armistead Lemon ’99A ** Ryan Matthew Lepine ’O2A """ Thomas Weckesser Leshner ’99A Aliya Imani Leslie ’O2A Joe Spencer Liles ’0lA Christina Elizabeth Lollar ’0lA ** Christopher Boyd Looney ’99A ** David Aaron Love ’00C Davidson Glenn Lucas ’O2A Amie Marie Lucier ’O2A ** Kathryn Marie Luskey ’99C ** Sarah Ashley Lyon ’O2A Heather Elizabeth Mahaney ’O2A ** Margaretta Jamieson Maher ’00C Rebecca Rose Makkai ’99A J.T. Aquinas Malatesta ’0OC Emily Lynn Malin ’00A ** . Michael David Malinzak ’O2A ** Kirsten Rae Malm ’0lA ** Elizabeth Blair Manning ’O2A ** Margaret Ashley Marano ’00A ** Matthew Paul Marks ’O2A ** Elianna Joella Marziani ’O2A ** Jason Matthew May ’0lA Denise Michelle Mayo ’O2A Scott Hansen McClave ’00C *“ Sara Anne McCrone ’99A "* Aaron Wayne McCullough ’99A Mary Crawford McFall ’99A *“' Margaret Houston McGregor ’99C ""‘ Lauren Lee McKeever ’00C James M. McKnight ’00A Stephanie Ann McKnight ’00A Samantha Marie McLemore ’O2A Stacy Lyn McLoughlin ’O2A Wendy M. Meade ’0OA ** Warren Thomas Meehan ’00A ** Sarah Nicol Meldrum ’99A Zebulon Stelley Mellett ’99A ** Douglas George Metcalf ’O2A Cory Kristen Mettee ’99C ** Christine Anne Metzger ’0lA ** Tiffany Delana Miles ’99A ** Christian Kenneth Miller ’O2A James Raymond Miller ’O2A ** Jason Ryan Miller ’O0C Stephanie Miller ’0lA Matthew Thomas Mills ’0OA Susan Irene Osnato ’99C William Overbaugh ’99A Eric Jay Owsley ’0lA Herbert Mills Palm ’0lA Brittany Ann Palmer ’0lA Melissa Wilce Palombo ’O2A James Brewster Parker ’O0C Shelley Rogers Parks ’02A Matthew Seamus Partrick ’99A Marlen Paschalidou ’0lA Brooks Berg Paulsen ’00C Rachel Alaina Perdue ’0lA ** Gwendolyn Derbes Perrilliat ’99C Elizabeth O’Brien Perry ’99A Stephen Matthew Pesce ’0lA Sara Kristen Peterson ’0lA Matthew Richard Petrusek ’O2A ** Martha Veil Pettyjohn ’00A Justin Ronald Pfeifer ’99A Stephen Lewis Philipson ’0lA Ginger Renee Phillips ’0lA Jennifer Pinyan ’00A ** Emily Weldon Pipkin ’99A "‘* Gregory Legare Pleasants ’00A ** Darren William Pohlmann ’99A John Michael Power ’02A Anne Drew Powers ’O2A Carolyn Troutman Pressly ’O2A ** Catherine Connolei Price ’99A Brian James Prisco ’00A'*‘* ‘ 4' Erica Lynn Prosser ’99A Catherine Barry Quinn ’99A ** Hugh Kirkpatrick Rabb ’0lA ’”‘ Matthew Ryan Raley ’0lA Alison Forrester Ralston ’00C Lucy Wright Rankin ’O2A Keith Daniel Rauch ’00A Maria Socorro Rayas ’O2A Reagan Allison Reaud ’0lA Sarah Elizabeth Rector ’99A Heather Melcher Reid ’0OC ** Nancy LeAnne Reinhart ’00C "‘* Robert Carl Reitinger ’O2A Patrick Joseph Renton ’0lA ** Cecily Audrey Reynolds ’99A ** Charles Lee Reynolds ’99A ** Jann English Rhea ’99A ** Daniel Lewis Riberkof ’O2A ** William Michael Seganish ’00A Jennifer Marie Selder ’99A ** Alyssa Christine Sellers ’99A Jonathan Wilkins Sewall ’O2A ** Harold Ellis Shaw ’O2A ** Timothy Norman Showalter ’00A ** Ashley Elizabeth Shreves ’00A Alison Callaway Simmons ’0lA Andrew Cary Simmons ’0lA Caroline Tison Simons ’99A Crystal Ann Simpson ’0lC Tejpal Bal Singh ’99A Kristi Lynne Slatka ’00A ** Althea Kendall Smiley ’0lA Ashley Claire Smith ’99A ** Hudson Day Smith ’99C ** Matthew Spencer Smith ’O2A Paul Maxwell Smith ’0lA Ralph Harrison Smith ’0lA Robert Hunter Smith ’00A Susan Neislcr Smith ’00A ** Zachary Eben Smith ’0lA Charles McLean Snyder ’99C ** Joshua Jason Solot ’00A Meredith Jane Sorensen ’O2A ** Kathie Soroka ’0lA ** Lindsay Sommerville South ’0OA Ali Burcak Soydan ’O2A ** Katherine Lindley Spaht ’99A Julianna Marie Spencer ’0lA’ ' Gina Lynn Spezialetti ’0lA ** I Amanda Jo Stallard ’99C Nicholas Andrew Stawasz ’0lA Michael Jeffrey Stefan ’O2A ** , Kelly Elizabeth Stewart ’00A ** Brian Carr Stisser ’0lA "‘* Tracy Ann Stitt ’O2A ** Justin Douglas Stockdale ’00A Thomas Alexander Stoklasek ’02A ** Everett George Stook ’99A Thomas Christopher Stover ’99A ** Claudia Blair Stowe ’00A ** Amy Kathleen Stowell ’99C Steven Charles Straub ’0OA ** Jennifer Ruth Strawbridge ’0lA ** Jonathan Paul Stroebel ’O2A Margaret Lee Stuntz ’99A ** David Edward Sugennan ’99A JAMES F. LEYBLIRN t.}aRARY_, . r,r,,r..s-r-:w-:.i~orz a LE~.E umvehstrr LE)(lNGTON.\/A 24450 JAN 12 1999 (not in credit cards) Introducing the American Express Credit Card for Students. Live for today. Build for tomorrow. The American Express Credit Card for Students is a resource you can depend on. With benefits like big air- fare savings, free credit information, and no annual fee, it'll help you get the most from your student years — and help you build a solid financial foundation for the future. AMERKAN EXPRESS Cards "|—....-... I....,.,.,.. ..II_ John Robert Walker ’0lA John Israel Wall ’99C Denise Kathleen Wallin ’00A Dylan Patrick Walsh ’00A i James Augustine Waskovich ’00C Lauren Kathryn Weedon ’99A Jeffrey Scott Wehner ’00A Meredith Lynn Welch ’00A Natalie Ann Welle ’99C Katherine Elizabeth West ‘E ** Michael Bryan Wheeler ’99A Katherine Alexis Wheelock ’99A Mary Elizabeth Whipple ’00A Valerie Janiece Widener ’99C John Bradford Wiginton ’O2A John Martin Henry Wilbers ’99A Lindsay Alison Williams ’0lA Benjamin Gray Wilson ’0lA Charles Maxwell Wilson ’99A Harry Maurice Wilson ’99A Robert Michael Wilson ’99C ' 1 Mary Elizabeth Winfrey ’00C "‘* Stephanie Ripley Wolfe ’99A ** Christine Karning Wong ’O0A Mary Elizabeth Woodard ’0lA ** Erika Ann Woodson ’99A Scott Andrews Woodward ’O2A )- John Clifion Woolley ’99A 0 Jonathan Michael Wright ’99C" i ’ ‘Patrick Beaumont Wright ’0lA *3‘ Adam David Yablonski ’0lA Amanda Roxanne Yates ’99C Margaret Shepherd Yates ’00A V Courtney Catherine Yevich ‘OOA Joshua Neely Young ’99A Dorothy Yuan ’0lA ** John Philip Zimmer ’0OA ** I Parents and alumni can subscribe to The Ring-tum Phi by sending a $30 check to The Ring-tum Phi, University Center, Lexington, VA 24450. Craun presents class ’62 lecture Ed Craun, professor of English at Washington and Lee I lninm.-.-in. "rill vs»-tnruzvlf +l-do In:-or n University, will present this year’s Clalss of 1962 Fellow- ship Lecture on Tuesday, Jan. 12 at 7:30 p.m. in Northen Auditorium. The title of Craun’s lecture is “Women’s Voices, Men’s Learning, and Moral Agency: Two Notori- ous Medieval Cases.” rium. Washington and Lee's Friday, Jan. 22. third prize is one FD ticket. MSA sponsors MLK program W&L’s Minority Students Association is co—sponsor-l ing a program on Martin Luther King, Jr. along withi Lexington's First Baptist Church and Promji, the black stu-ll dent assocation at Virginia Military Institute. l The program will be held on Saturday, Jan. 16 at Firstl Baptist Church, 103 N. Main Street in Lexington at 6 p.m. one Ar 1 one r:..II.\...)l it His lecture will explore how two late medieval bour- geois women, Geoffrey Chaucer’s Wife of Bath and Margery Kempe, dealt with the male clergy’s attempts to direct women’s lives, especially their sexuality, their speech ’ and their desire to instruct others. ‘ Expert discusses effects of alcohol Dr. H. Scott Swartzwelder, a clinical professor of psy-? chiatry at Duke University Medical Center and a senior 1‘ research career scientist with the U.S. Dept. of Veterans Affairs, will speak on Jan. 18 at 8 p.m. in Northen Audito- in la SARAH holds lip sync contest SARAH (Students Against Rockbridge Area Hunger) will hold the 13th annual Lip‘ Sync contest to raise money for local food pantries on” The contest will be held at the Student Activities Pa-1, vilion. The admission charge is $5 at the door or $4 ifthei ticket is purchased in advance from the W&L Co-op. Sign-up for the acts will be conducted at the W&L Co-,9 op on Wednesday and Thursday, Jan. 20 and 21 . The entry fee is $30 per act. First prize is $100 and a pair of tickets to, Fancy Dress; second prize is $50 and one FD ticket, and l ;l ! Pl OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990111/WLURG39_RTP_19990111_003.2.txt Eh: itling-tum lflhi OPINION PAGE 3 Does everyone want to be a hero? I if anyone else shares our adventuresome of a water—landing on a flight from 4: ‘ V ‘ = T NV»-_L oVVs’a_nd Iiandrailings of ‘Woods Creek LETTERS Iwge-ét.iId°nit1sno2v who did it but W » I .V V .thVis;1s»rush week, it's probably some kind TO _ ?‘of fraternity prVank.Inasnowbank outside ‘ . I e V » .. _ Woods Creek, ice grafitti reads "Pika Sux" *I I Y I end‘ _'I'Go" Beta Theta l’i."'Ilt's really unfair that independent-studentsIhave to deal . ‘ . v a ‘ 5 . ’ with fallout from rush week; V , I . ' i V « V ‘Rush should be confined to the frater- .; I I ‘ I "I‘_ ‘‘ ‘~_Vnities'.,Let'thern screamlandyell and smear Stud_entS Vaseline‘ all over the doorsover there. But parking S1tl1atlOI'l‘I I ‘ I A lfkieep it away from independents. Indepen- . . I "V , I dents choose to live on campus in order to‘ h To the editors of The Ring-tum Phi, I ‘ -avoid these kinds of things. We enjoy the E I would like to address an issue that I am mpeeeea quiet: and Serenity Of “Vlng 011 the sure most students here care very deeply ~ Other Side Of The Hill frem the fralemlty about. Asa freshman 1ast.yVear,jIfdid;n_ot re-I .110.11S¢S- I I . I . ’ any concern mysé1f§vith_”th¢_1a¢kVnfgnfficienf Vflndcpendents are treated unfairly in a , parking facilities at this Tschoeol Ifriiisése “ lot of Ways already. When grades are cal- however’ 1 haygitfhund ffiéulty lated and averaged, fraternities are cat- ing a. legal p§;fking‘«Ip]age_: " gp:rizVed.’onian individual basis, but inde. usuallykeep fie en_tsVare allilumped together. Every . On several occasions;though, an in anpus statistics announce that fra- ai quick run-to Ham, Tee;-V aV V V ies have higher GPAs than indepen- to anywherejnear the,I4Ii)”use"iand arnlsforceti IS, when in reality, the students with‘ _to park as many blolcksliawayifro ' I ’ nd,bc,:low‘ Whoare counted as inde-I the store_ I‘ ' *~ ‘ V because they can't get into a fra- Washington and.,Lee“wants yffieshmaii year, lower our average I problem witli’2iariIiiiiriiensc§p ..W‘h3‘°f’"l3nY frats-7° ‘ ._ I Well, whereis :he‘~}aiieg‘éa. garage? ‘ , . ., ts.al;s<‘558et less attention , . Iikea trick to sucker‘ tudeii’ trident prefssystudent activity 5 about-this problein.Il1’a V l 1 ; _ .- say; we wi]j’Nojrb¢ g‘j1VeV‘ "¢d V disgraceful that we should . _ , I A I ’ tcleijate “dumb fraternity pranks I Rush we‘el<—,ontop of all this, V A I V L a Robert Marmorstein mdéteedentélainstatsm I activities sho ‘l I ' 1 h o b 1 I the Greek system Do you contemp ate orri e . Earlyon the morningV.ofVJanu ‘tmgedie s wh e reve 1' Yo u g o ‘> twins in the back? I’ll just have to rescue know I sure do. A friend and I were talk- state ofmind. I’d like to admit my strange Roanoke to Atlanta is slim, but that all three ofthem. Sometimes I even find ing over winter break about the strange ideas, purge myselfofmy wild desires. doesn’t stop me from deciding how to myself a sidekick. First, we have some ‘id, thoughts and fantasies of heroism that When on aplane, I would assume that get every last passenger out ofthe smol- disagreement, hostility if you will, and {“-,_V,.-*““'11Ot€ cross our minds in everyday situations. many people read, sleep, listen to the dering wreck before it plummets to the then We resolve Our differences and Work <1“-»«.» I Each ofus was slow to admit these pecu- . liar passions and desires, but after testing the water V with one another, i I ,,_we discovered “that we share isome bizarre gidreams. I thought that I alone entertain these §',ludicrous, often gory, fantasies of glory, iifbut I was mistaken. At least one other rgdemented soul holds such feelings. He is great friend. And ifhe alone shares my Vllplight, I am in good company. For he is a truly incredible person. But I’d like to ask ...a'ta'e... If ~- _VOff His Rocker y’ Stephen Pesoe ’01 flight attendant’s instructioifs (well, maybe not) or listen to mu- sic. I, on the other hand, think about possible hos- tage situations and horrible crashes. I pick out the oth- ers in the plane whom I think would go over the edge. I also think about how the wacko is going to do it: gun, bomb, nerve gas, locusts, whatever. Then I establish a plan of action. How am I going to take the knave down? He will not succeed, and I am the stud-man who’s going to make sure of that. I think about crashes. The likelihood depths of the ocean. Who is going to need the most help? The elderly gentle- man in the front or the two-year—old {I I crave smoked ham and imag- ine my family gagged and tied up in the living ” 5 (governance, " I To A‘V1i:;w&L tudenits, . ‘ ,fA3lh.ell11t,1‘5il1V€ ‘ “ ‘ dent body constitu, V lfind myself indebt V h. . you‘ who have called or written’jtV;‘o,.ex-‘ press your interest,vVshai;e,,yVo and offeryour support; Much hasbeen "‘ eff. ‘was published, and I haveevery liope“ als have yetto be it seems most M appropriate.forrneto,beginIieirculating . someiofflie‘ more sigiiificant, ideas as soon as possible. In this way lliope to- cess of constitutional reform. Fi1nher- ‘and any subsequent proposals care- fully. Should you have any commen- rectly or through the office .of 7hVejRirVzg- 1. tumVPhi. ’ I " f . . V ‘I V Sincerely, »_ ,V 3 ‘A ,’,_VV’Pau‘ickMcCormaél_t I I I It ‘Proposal One:Divi§ion ofPowers S , I - : government is notanew one, but has V_ done in the severalV‘iwVeVjeVl&Aa{04' 9%//W ¢ fimfen v -.9$naAu/a .%€a4me// .54» JVJJW .%’ezA ./Vwtm Wm‘ flmdamza A/4,, fiméa ./yéoi Wm ./wad l//,maa/I 9%” %"%W’ fidan @0049! 7%/oé ROBERT E. LEE SIGNATURES FOR SALE Clipped signature with closing w/ CDV Document signed "R. E. Lee, Lt. Engrs" Letter Signed, Lexington, VA, 1870 Lee Signed CDV AND Washington College Diploma, 1867 $3000 $4000 $6500 $5500 $4500 Other Lee's: Fitzhugh, G.\W.C., "Rooney" & Lee's Father—In—Law Also Available: Lincoln, Grant, Mosby, Longstreet, Ashby, Beauregard, Early, A.P. Hill, Imoben, etc., etc. Great Framing, Great Service, Great History Original Frameworks 1 North Main St. Lexington, 464-6464 M—F 10-6, Sat 9-4, New Manager T OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990111/WLURG39_RTP_19990111_007.2.txt t @112 Iking-E11111 Iflhi by I 9 SORORITIES 99 Congratulations to 3 fly 3 M" the Gamma pledge class of Kappa Delta Rebekah Ahn Tracy Johnson Ellen Antrum Lauren Kearney Michele Backus Amanda Kelley Ann Baskervill Summers Kimbrough Brooke Belasco Sylvia Kokis Valerie Bruneau Peyton Lane ° Julie Carskadon Sarah Lyon 1 a Andrea Ceccarelli Stacy McLoughlin , , Lindsay Cooper Divya Mohan Marisa Davis _ Kayse Nelson Caroline Dumas Rebecca Ostendorff - Brooke Evenson Emily Owens _ ° 0 0 Mflbamtll/‘mmlf Amanda Fischer Lillian Pace it 0 lmpledge rim Caitlin Fitzrandolph Lauren Paxton _ Graham Frankel Lucy\Rankin Kirsten Gladding Emily Seale ‘i|;j'-m??s]i;iffe,r Gray Harden Lauren Stearns Katherine Houstoun teed Credit Cards with Credit Limis G04/e4~,E Up To $10,000 Within Days! ‘°4~»»o,,, NO CREDIT, NO J OB, NO PARENT SIGNER, NO SECURITY DEPOSIT! no credit ° bad credit 0 no income? 6‘ ‘ If You Thinl(You A r aagflf’ Guaran O Can't Get A Credit % Card, Think Again. ant VISA & MasterCard Credit Cards ORDER FORM ' want Credit Cards immediately. 0 CRA, PO BOX 16662, ATLANTA, GA 30321 "I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I J ' y A t t Z’ Cit .................................................................................................................... .. 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Tired of Bein Turned Down? jjj1:1:1:11:11::1: F6 ' (n U) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . n-jjjjjjjmjjjmjmxjj OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990111/WLURG39_RTP_19990111_008.2.txt Humor Page PAGE 8 LAST WORD JANUARY 11, 1999 A brief look back at the Twentieth Century By Kevin McManemin 215T CENTURY SCH/20/D M-IN The Twentieth Century. The bloodiest hundred years in human history. Joseph Stalin. Adolph Hitler. Bob Saget. A time of great change. New ideas. Incomplete sentences. The Last Word presents this brief, illustrated history of the 20th century as part of our continuing effort to be like every other publication. In the coming months you can bet every arm of this great squid called the media (newspa- pers, magazines, television, radio, intemet gossip columns, teen fanzines, cookbooks, off-Broadway musical comedies, telegraphs, graffiti, etc.) will be running retrospectives on the previous decade, century and millennium. We wanted to get ours in first. Take that, Newsweek! So, without very much more ado, we present: The Twentieth Century “the syphilitic sore on the scrotum of history” The Zeroes -— All for naught At the turn of the century, the entire world was owned by three mega-corporations: Standard Oil, Carnegie Steel and the British Monarchy. Actually not much has changed since then. Standard Oil was bought out by Microsoft in 1992 and Carnegie Steel was acquired by Sony in a merger with Time—Warner. The British monarchy sold all its hold- ings to Ted Turner but still retains Buckingham Palace, its corporate logo and the right to embarrass itself publicly. Not much else happened in the nineteen naughts. Some- thing about a Progressive movement and a Great White Fleet, I think, but in order for me to tell you anything more about them I’d have to do actual research and that’s not bloody likely. So the Progressive Movement was a . . . uh . . . part of a symphony by Stravinski and the Great White Fleet was a meeting of obese Klan members. The Tens — El Waro Grande The Great War (later renamed “World War One” after a greater one came along) was almost as long and brutal as some of the poetry it would inspire. Mankind saw his belief in the good of science explode in a burst of mustard gas and machine gun fire. Europeans were being slaughtered at almost twice the rate of New York City public school students. Let’s take a gander at the major players: The Germans — It was barely forty years since Presi- dent Otto Van Buren united Prussia and Bavaria into a single country called “Prussvaria” (later renamed “Ger- many”). But in that short time Germany had come a long way — building a massive navy powerful enough to be thor- oughly and consis- tently sunken by the _ British and an army of men in neat ’ pointy little helmets. By head-butting opponents,theGer- many army became one of the nine or ten most feared fighting forces of the day. The Great British (also known as “The English”) — What the British wanted in World War One was simple: a nice, dangerous front line to fill with Scots and Irishmen. “Yes, Angus, Taevish, Seamus, you boys fill in the trenches there, I’ll just stay back here at base and sip me tea,” the limey generals would say. “Oh, and mind the mustard gas,” they’d add with a mischievous grin. Those wacky Brits! The French — The French are to Europe what Ringo was to the Beatles. When France heard Europe was releas- ing a new war it merrily trudged along with the rest of the group, despite the fact that it hasn’t been a major military player since Napoleon. France had been using its national energy on wastes of time like “art” and “literature.” The Russians — The ‘Russians were so backward in 1914 even the Amish looked at them and said “You guys need to modernize.” With something like 99.9999% of the population living far below the poverty line, Russia was the Mississippi of Europe, only a hell ofa lot colder. The Belgians — Historic accounts always overlook King Leopold and the Belgians. This one is no exception. The Americans —— The Americans were like the guy who shows up at the last hour of the party when everyone else is tired and leaving, then empties the keg and takes credit for polishing it off. Never mind that Russia and France had been sucking that tap all night and were now passed out on the couch, America came in, chugged the last half- a-plastic-cup left in the keg and declared loudly, “shit, you guys are lightweights.” No wonder the Europeans despise us. The Twenties — These dang young’uns In 1919 our Congress, possibly while drunk, passed one of the most inane laws in the history of jurisprudence — Prohibition. And so, for the first week or so of the 1920s’, alcohol was nearly somewhat hard to get. On the sunnier side ofthings, the twen- ties were a time of great prosperity at home and abroad, especially among mobsters, thanks to Prohibition. The only place that didn’t experience prosperity was Germany, where inflation was rising faster than the hemlines on flappers’ skirts. Flappers were wild, loose l920’s gals who flaunted the morals of their society; wild, loose women who are now our great- grandmothers, so talking about their sexual exploits would be more than a bit disgust- ing. Yes, the roaring but rarely boring twen- ties were a good time for all (‘‘all’’ meaning “anyone with enough money to invest in the stock market”). Suffragettes rallied for chicks’ rights, idiots sat on flagpoles for some bizarre reason and sports idols like Babe Ruth proved that even alcoholics could be functioning members of society. The Thirties — The birth of big, bloated bureaucracy Sports were still popular in the thirties, but different sports: office ledgejumping, noose spinning and shotgun shell swallowing. In 1929 the stock market crashed like an iMAC computer, derailed like an AMTRACK train, send- ing the country spiraling into depression faster than I re- sort to cheap similes and metaphors. Hoovertowns (named after Hoover vacuums as they really sucked) sprung up across America, providing the best in luxurious box living. Franklin Roosevelt stepped in as President and brought the country out of unemployment by hiring everyone to lettered government agencies. FDR brought us the WPA, TVA, FDIC, NBC, C-SPAN, UCLA, LMN OP, USSR, BBC-2, AOL, CD-ROM, MXPX, and of course the SCTV. But abbreviations would soon take a back seat to WWII. The Forties —— Another bad sequel By the end of the ’30s the German economy was in shambles, so Adolph “move over Genghis, I want to be history’s biggest asshole”‘HitIer decided on the brilliant strategy of invading Poland — possibly the one country in the world with a more pitiful economy than Germany -— to solve the crisis. In re- sponse England and France declared war on Germany. France sur- rendered approximately three minutes and nine- teen seconds later, be- fore the ink was even dry on the declaration of war. Meanwhile, Japan was engaged in bomb- ing Pearl Harbor in a day that will live in in- famy but I can’t recall right now. So the U.S. trudged into the war (only a couple of years late this time) and kicked some major foreign ass. In 1945 the U.S. dropped da bomb on Japan, ushering in a new era of warfare: an era when the heroes were no longer the soldiers in the front but the nerds in the labs. When the war ended Europe and Japan were in pieces _ (literally, pieces —— parts of Nagasaki were found as far away as Greenland and what was left of Germany could be collected and put in a brown paper bag). The United States took the roll of international sugar daddy, dolling out sweet - rewards to our allies and, ironically, even sweeter rewards to our enemies. The Fifties — A time for sensible footwear In the fifties hair was short, cars were big, Reds were evil and cigarettes were healthy. Things made sense. People liked Ike, men wore ties to work, people said “please” and “thank you” in the name of something called “common courtesy,” and everyone knew their place. In fact, the gov- ernment passed out this chart for handy reference: Your Race Your place White Suburbs Black Ghettos Asian Asia Latino Ancient Rome? In the fifties people started protesting this injustice. In I954 the landmark case of Brown vs. Board of Education set down the historic propositions that: 1) Children should not go to their neighborhood public schools when they can be expensively shipped several hundred miles away for poorer quality education. 2) The “separate but equal” doctrine of blacks and whites is wrong—— any objective look at basketball ability will tell you that they’re not equal. Yes, the fifiies began the long but necessary Civil Rights battle. Just think: the perfect harmony between the races we now enjoy wouldn’t be possible were it not for the gains made in the fifties. THE SlXTIES== SOCIETY GETS ILURRY A great way to make your parents un- comfortable is to ask them about the sixties. Firsthand historical accounts of the sixties are sketchy at best. Psychedelic drugs (the word psychedelic coming from the Greek roots psyche, or mind, and delic, or holy crap the colors in my veins are talking to me) played a big part in the sixties, so remember to take all accounts on sixties life with a grain of salt (or some white powdery substance). Here now are some actual over-sentimentalized tales of the actual sixties from actual pathetic aging baby boomers: “The sixties began in 1964 when four lovable inop- topped Liverpudlians (Sean Lennon, Yoko Ono, Jim Morrison and an inflatable raft called “Reginald”) landed at Idlewild airport (later renamed JFK after JFK Jr.) and appeared on the old Gilbert and Sullivan show where they performed their famous “I have a dream” speech. That’s all I remember.” ——Sally Hainsworth (formerly Lucy in the Sky with Methedrine) “In the sixties there was a war or something somewhere. Guys shooting people. No, wait, that was ‘Gunsmoke’ —Dr. Lawrence Feinbaum (formerly Flower Moonchild) The Seventies — A decade-long hangover Bad trip, man. As millions ofhippies came down from their highs, so did hippie society come down from its lofty ideals of peace and happiness and universal love, replacing them with ideals such as paying the mortgage on time and good dental hygiene. The bril- E liant experimentation of psychedelic I rock was replaced with the unrestrained suckiness of disco. Most importantly, the seventies made politics the societal joke it is to- day. In the sixties, we had presidents like Johnson and Nixon —- men who you could really hate with a passion! But Watergate taught us that politicians were not so much comic book archvillians as they were petty thugs. The decade ended with the likes of Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter at the helm. You can neither really love nor hate Jimmy Carter. All anyone can do is acknowledge his existence. And so a general malaise (thanks, Jimmy) set in over the country and squelched the passion previously evi- dent in public life. Finally, people could start focussing on what really mattered: themselves. The Eighties — Reaganomics, low-cal frozen yogurt and ALF Most scholars now agree that nothing of remote cul- tural value came from the 1980s. Musically the ’80s went from bad — new wave rock — to worse — glam rock — and somehow ended up even a step below that with rap. Rap is like mu- sic, but take away the musicallpart and you have got rap. Along with the de- cline of everything good and noble about mankind, the 1980s saw the rise ofthe Yuppie. This development was made possible by the invention of the cell phone, which let Yuppies communicate with other Yuppies while simulta- neously compensating for small genitals by inflating their self-importance. The most popular recreational activity among Yuppies was divorce. The Yuppies imported every- thing: Italian wines, Gennan cars, French arrogance. By 1987, however, the Yuppies had all maxed out their ' credit cards and stopped buying stuff they didn’t need. The stock market plummeted. President Reagan responded with swift, decisive action: canceling his scheduled nap to hold a press conference in which he categorkxzlly denied ever being told about the stock market crash. The Nineties — www.whatever.com So, it’s, like, the end of the century or something. Big deal. F in-de-siecle ennui or whatever. I guess. The nineties saw, like, the information revolution. Infor- mation is, like, all over, you know? It’s like on the internet and stuff. All over the internet. The Internet rules. a A lot of stuff happened in the nineties, like the dis- mantling of Eastern European Commu- nism. We no longer fear nucl:./ar attack from the Ruskies; we now fear nuclear at- tack from crazed militia goons living in lduno bunkers. Se- riously. Oh, and dude, guess what? The Pres was like boinking his intern in the nineties and there was a lot of stuff about it on C-SPAN like impeachment or whatever, you know, but I didn’t really watch that. Well, that’s about it for the nineties. We’ve got, like, another year left in this century or something. Maybe it’ll suck or maybe it’ll be cool. Whatever. Things are okay. That’s the basic story of our century. Americans went from caring about Europe to caring about our society to caring about ourselves to caring about beating the high score on “Doom." No one knows what will happen in years to come, but if mankind approaches the twenty—first century with the same genius, dignity, prudence, spirit, courage, vitality, passion, understanding, enterprise and honor we applied in the twentieth, we can be sure of one tliing. We’re all f“‘**ing doomed. Reserves. Leadership Opportunity Basic Camp this Summer and experience a fun and challenging adventure on a successful path. ...-:.I ourhancs 0 getting 11 on- campus scholarship for attending Basic Camp are 50%. End Result, a great job as a 2LT in the Active Army, National Guard or See CPT Whittaker, ARMY ROTC at (540) 464-7187