OCR::/Vol_102/WLURG39_RTP_20000131/WLURG39_RTP_20000131_001.2.txt €2ns.755 R5571- v.[o’2. VIOIIQ r C - L- 1" ‘ ‘i IL?’ ( I‘ U!’ l\...3 . [FXlf‘J.TFi'l‘{.3‘.¥t, VA Er-£!.!f‘.G "Pa 0 32000 . U112 ‘Ring-tum WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIvERsITY’s WEEKLY NEWSPAPER V hi , VOLUME 102, NO. 19 LEXINGTON, VIRGINIA 24450 i victory, McCain takes three states By Max Smith NEWS EDITOR Featuring an Exxon Valdez float, “reliable windsocks,” and plenty of Texas bashing, Wash- ington and Lee’s 2000 Republi- Y can Mock Convention went off without a hitch. Students weren't disappointed with the political spectacle that rolls )‘ around only once during their W&L career. “I had a great time,” freshman Katherine Hill. “I really enjoyed all of the speeches, especially Y Bob Dole’s.” Capped off with a balloon drop, the convention empha- sized good times just as much as it did the serious business of selecting the Republican presi- dential nominee. To no one’s surprise, Texas Gov. George W. Bush ran away It with the electoral votes and nomination. State delegations spent months researching their states’ electoral process, politi- cal background and candidate support right up until the week- end. Working through a rigor- ous and structured research system, students contacted H several leaders from their state and gauged the state's decision based upon their response. Leaders in the Convention defi- nitely felt the heat of upholding K W&L’s tradition of accuracy. “I don’t even want to think what would happen to me if we get it wrong,” political chairman David Dardis told The Roanoke Times on Friday. “They’d prob- nu? ably strip the flesh from my bones and hang the carcass to all those who might fail in the future.” But most students left the re- search up to their state leaders and just showed up at state parties and maybe even to help with the float. States teamed up for parties throughout the week and up to Sat- urday night. From Tequila Sunrise parties Friday and Saturday morn- ing, to the Southern states’ party at the Volcano Wednesday night, students made sure to put a W&L stamp on the whole affair. Earlier this week, the Student Ac- tivities Pavilion was stuffed with state floats in various states of con- struction. Wood shavings and the noxious fumes of spray paint mixed with beer and pizza as the crunch time of Thursday night drew near. ‘Friday morning’s parade brought plenty of humorous floats toting students fresh from their 7:30 a.m. Champagne Brunch. Some states opted to poke fun at them- selves by employing state stereo- types. The Roanoke Times empha- sized students’ irreverence in the parade. Mock Con only set two rules this year: don't throw things at the crowd and don't drink while on the float. Parade highlights included Alaska's Exxon Valdez float, com- plete with a drunken captain swerv- ing around the street and oil-cov- ered animals following behind. The Washington, D.C. float carried Monica Lewinsky and President Bill Clinton while reporters sur- rounded them. The Hawaii float won most hu- morous and Georgia triumphed in . Mock Con predicts Bush as GOP candidate Texas governor wins sweeping “mock” photo by Emily Bames/Photo Editor MOCK CON LUAU: Members of the Hawaii delegation bring a little “island spirit” to a Republican event. Their float won first place in the “Most Humorous” category. the Best-overall category with their “Midnight Train to Georgia” loco- motive. Friday afternoon and evening was highlighted by its political speakers. Most spent their time preaching the general Republican photo by Emily Bames/Photo Editor MR. VICE PRESIDENT? Rep. J.C. Watts (R-OK) brings a little “fire and brimstone” to W&L. platform and bashing Democrats, especially the Clinton presidency. Oklahoma Gov. Frank Keating provided memorable fodder by de- picting Al Gore as, “a reliable windsock” on issues like the NRA, Social Security, tobacco and cam- paign finance reform. Keating insisted on driving his windsock theme into the ground and students began to chant the slogan with him near SEE ‘MOCK CON’ ON PAGE 2 Mock Con On—Air National media flocks to Lexington By Max Smith NEWS EDITOR Mock Con’s drunken revelry is go- ing prime time. CNN, C-SPAN, NPR, the Washing- ton Times, FOX News, and the Dallas Morning News all attended Saturday’s session. The Associated Press and United Press International, both national wire services that provide stories to newspapers nationwide, attended as well. The Wall Street Journal, Time and MTV may feature the Convention. ABC Radio News aired a piece Saturday night. Media Chair Sean Eddy said stu- dents should check the Mock Con web site for national air times. “Our committee worked really hard in the past months and especially the last two weeks to bring in the press,” Eddy said. “This is good publicity for both Mock Con and the University.” MTV may air a piece on Mock Con for their “Choose or Lose”'se- ries. They didn’t send a crew, but Eddy said MTV shares footage with CNN. Eddy said Mock Con’ s timing be- fore the New Hampshire primaries, where a lot of media are spending the weekend, limited the number of news organizations that could have attended. CNN, who attended the Conven- tion for the first time, was especially impressed with the logistics and ex- ecution of the student-run event, Eddy said. All of the reporters told Eddy that had a fun time covering Mock Con. The media left Eddy hanging until the end. C-SPAN agreed to come on Tuesday and CNN decided to come on Friday. Ramsey responds to controversy N Overnight Guest House resident: “I’m not looking for trouble” By Christie Phillips STAFF WRITER “I never denied it when I was ar- rested. Back then I was young. I drank and did drugs. There isn’t a day gone by that I don’t want to take it all back.” I; Todd Lee Ramsey, 33, was charged with attempted rape of a minor in 1986. Weeks ago he moved into the Over- night Guest House, a residence next to the Washington and Lee campus. ’‘ “I'm just here working. Everyday working. I’m not looking for trouble,” Ramsey said. “I don’t judge people until I know them. I did something when I was 18. I’m 33 now—there’s a big difference.” Since Ramsey was convicted of at- tempted rape in 1986, he has been reg- istered with the state as a sex offender. )4‘ Sex offender records and registries are made available to the public through Megan’s Law, a law that allows citi- zens access to the information so that they know sex offenders living in their neighborhoods. Through this law, W&L security learned that Ramsey was residing in the area. “He hasn’t caused any problems for us yet, but we’re keeping our eyes open,” said Mike Young, director of security at W&L. On Tuesday, security sent a cam- pus-wide e-mail about Ramsey and his location. It warned students that Ramsey has been convicted of at- tempted rape twice, once in 1986 and again in 1998. According to the Vir- ginia State Police sex offender record, three other convicted sex offenders live in Lexington, but Ramsey's prox- imity to campus worried authorities. “We felt obligated to let everyone know he’s residing there,” said Young. “We just want to be safe.” Many students have already taken precautions to ensure their safety. W&L sophomore Tiffany Friedel lives in Gaines Dormitory, the student resi- dence directly behind the Overnight -Guest House. “I don’t walk past that building any- more,” she said. “It’s very scary. I go all the way around through the gym to get home.” Other students echo Friedel‘ s anxi- ety about Ramsey"s presence. “I was walking to the Language Lab on Tuesday night after just read- ing the campus e-mail,” said junior Amy Borgman. “It was dark and I got freaked out.” But Ramsey claims he is not here to cause more trouble. “I did a crime, I did my time,” he said. ”Everybody wants to judge me. I don't judge people until I get to know them. I’m just like y’ all are. My record doesn’t speak for it, but I’m a kind person.” SEE ‘RAMSEY’ ON PAGE 2 January 31, 200% OPINION: W&LIFE: I SPORTS: LAST WORD: (J11: ‘fling-tum ilflhi Popular reaction to Mock Con Zounds! Welles’ Falstaff takes stage Generals give Tigers a good fight .McManemin vs. Decency? PAGE 3 PAGE 4 PAGE 5 PAGE 6 MONDAY, JANUARY 31, 2000 Fewer flasks? Mock Con sees few alcohol problems By Mike Crittenden Assocm TE EDITOR Despite the bacchanal that was this year's Mock Convention, major inci- dents involving alcohol and conven- tion goers were kept at a minimum. “It was pretty quiet, we didn’t really have any problems,” said Jane Wheel- ing at the Student Health Center. Washington and Lee’s director of security, Mike Young, agreed saying that this year’s Mock Convention was fairly tame. “We just kept an eye out and sup- ported the Mock Convention security people,” Young said. “It was pretty tame.” The convention was not without its problems, however, as at least two students vomited on the convention floor, and a belligerent alumnus was escorted from the convention. Mock Convention’s head of security, sopho- more Mac Everist, said it was nothing unexpected. “Overall, things were status quo for a Washington and Lee function,” Everist said. Everist said that the biggest prob- lem was the drunken alumnus who had to be thrown out of the convention because he was too belligerent and was attempting to cause trouble. “The man had taken one too many trips to the VIP room,” Everist said. “He was bothering the speakers and other guests and so we had to get rid of him. We warned him, but when he tried to get on the microphone security grabbed him and made him leave. In addition to the two vomiteers, both juniors, and the alumnus, two of the delegations were not allowed to par- ticipate in Friday’s parade through Lex- ington because of alcohol use. Accord- ing to one student, who asked to re- main anonymous, the Lexington Police Department was searching Breubaker Field, where the floats started on Fri- . day morning. Both the homestate Virginia and Tennessee floats were removed from parade entrants before the parade be- gan for drinking and possessing al- cohol on or near their floats. Though disappointing to members of each del- egation, they made the best of it, lin- ing up on the parade route together and chanting. According to Everist, the cops were well within their bounds. “The delegations who were caught were way too obvious about what they were doing,” Everist said. “Some stu- dents went so far as to walk up to the police and tell them they wouldn’t stop drinking. That just isn’t smart.” All in all, Everist said, the conven- tion was a success from a security standpoint except for the few minor incidences and was even humorous. “It was funny to watch the stu- dents waving flags fall off their chairs occasionally.” photo by Emily Barnes/Photo Editor VMI MAKES THEIR MARK. The VM] Color Guard presents the flags opening each session of Mock Con. OCR::/Vol_102/WLURG39_RTP_20000131/WLURG39_RTP_20000131_002.2.txt F I @112 Ztting-tum flirt JANUARY 31, 2000 BIG SKY COUNTRY: The Montana state float brought some backwoods c Lexington during Friday morning’s parade. Those aren’t real bears or firearms, by the way. hoto by Emily Bames/Photo Editor arm to the streets of photo by Emily Bames/Photo Editor A FLASHBACK TO ‘96?: Keynote speaker and 1996 GOP Presidential candidate Bob Dole addresses the crowd during Saturday morning’s session. ‘RAMSEY’ from page 1 Ramsey spent 12 years in prison for his conviction in 1986. “Life inside isn’t easy," he said. “Everyone thinks its great in prison - you get three hot meals and a bed to sleep in. But it isn't like that. You wake up in the morning and wonder ifyou’re going to live.” “Prison is, I guess you could say, another world,” he continued. “It's nothing compared to this one that you enjoy.” Ramsey was released on Feb. 10, 1997. In 1998 he was again convicted of attempted rape here in Rockbridge County. “I didn’t do it, that second time” Ramsey said. “My lawyer told me to plea bargain, so I plea bargained. Ifl was found guilty by ajudge I would have gone back to jail for good. I didn’t want to go back tojail.” Ramsey said he had sex with the woman who accused him of rape the second time, but it was not forced contact. “Nine times out of 10, the girl who accused me will say I didn’t do it,” he said. “She just needed someone to blame.” For his plea bargain, Ramsey received a sentence of 100 days in jail and five years probation. He is currently serv- ing that probation. “I’mjust a person,” he said. “Ijust want to get on with my life. Iwant to pay my bills and court fines and get out of here in a couple of months.” Ramsey was arrested Tuesday night on a capius for not paying a court fine. That night he was also charged with three counts of passing worthless checks. After paying a fine, he was released. “I was arrested for a $50 court fine,” he said. “I had to pay $300 to get out ofjail. Heck, I should have just paid the court fine.” Ramsey is currently working for the electric company on a new construction site in the area. He moved into the Overnight Guest Houses after he caught his live-in girl- friend with another man. “I walked in on her and another guy,” Ramsey said. “I kicked her and him out butt naked and told her it was over. But I couldn't live in that house anymore. That's why I'm staying here.” Ramsey does not think he's asking for trouble living in the Guest Houses, which are located next to three fresh- man dorms. “I'm not trying to go back to prison,” he said. “IfI look at my past I'll never make a future for myself.” “If you want to know about my past, ask me. I’m ashamed, but I’ll talk. Everyone makes mistakes, some are just bigger than others.” Though Ramsey claims he is a gentle man, his past speaks for itself. While in prison, Ramsey stabbed a fellow inmate. “It was a choice, me or him,” he said. “He pulled a knife on me and so I stabbed him. Ifa guy pulls a knife on you, you know he's going to use it — ifnot now, sometime.” If caught stabbing the inmate, Ramsey could have earned more time behind bars. But he wasn't caught. In his 12 years of imprisonment, Ramsey was moved seven times to six different penitentiaries. “You get moved around a lot when you get in trouble,” he said. Ramsey also continued his drug use in prison. “Me and cocaine, we were good buds,” he said. “There are more drugs in prison than on the streets. You want homemade mash, you got it. You want a drink, name your favorite." Ramsey has two tattoos to show for his years in prison. A huge Guns ‘N Roses symbol marks his right forearm. On his left forearm is a heart with a dagger through it and a snake climbing the dagger. “See that one,” he said. “Know what that means? ‘Love sucks?” ‘MOCK CON’ from page 1——— the end of the speech. But Keating seemed oblivious to their mocking chants at the press conference after- wards. “It's an honor and great opportunity for me to come here,” Keating said. “I'm really impressed by the num- ber of people involved. These young people are in- formed and it's essential to know your leaders.” Keating went on to describe why he has come out in support of Gov. Bush. “Bush is the governor of a country and he's doing it well,” Keating said. “He's making tough decisions and advocates a consistent value system.” Keating ar- rived one hour before taking the stage and left after dinner for Oklahoma City since the state legislature is set to begin budget hearings this week. Bob Ross, the 1996 Mock Con Political Chairman who is now an Okla- homa City law- yer, suggested the trip to Keating and he im m e d i a t e ly agreed. Sopho- MOCK CON PANDEMONIUM. Delegates show their state pride at “I thought he was a powerful speaker with good things to say about the Republican platform,” fresh- man Patrick Lauler said. “He translated a political mes- sage into a sermon.” Watts was one of the keynote speakers at the 1996 Republican Convention. Mock Con Advisor William Connelly said Watts presence is felt throughout the party. “He has a galvanizing effect on the party,” Connelly said. “He broadens the party's base.” ‘ The Pressroom was filled with supporters wearing “J.C. Watts for President” buttons after the speech. Watts talked with only a few in the throng; most were con- tent to watch him up close and try to get an autograph. It was Watts first visit to W&L, although his staff attended in 1996 and ad- vised him to ac- cept the invita- tion. “The Repub- lican Party needsito make who we are rel- evant to young people and a night like to- night doesn't hurt in connect- ing with the youth,” Watts said. “It would be nice if all of Congress could be around this photo by Emily Barnes/Photo Editor raw energy and more Drew _ _ _ _ not be so Crighton is a one of the sessions, anxiously awaiting the keynote speaker. jaded.” friend of When asked Keating's son when they lived in Northern Virginia and met Keating after the speech. Virginia Attorney General Mark Earley filled the omi- nous TBA spot in Session II's schedule. He was called late in the week and jumped at the chance to speak. “I was happy to do it,” Earley said. “This is a great opportunity for student and community involvement in the electoral process." Republican National Committee Chairman Jim Nicholson followed with a speech poking fun at Gore's propensity to claim responsibility for popular initia- tives like the Internet. Nicholson used slide projec- tions in a speech that seemed like a long string of jokes about Gore and Clinton. Nicholson received a tepid response at best from students for his efforts at humor. Afterwards, Nicholson praised the convention. “I hope our convention is as well executed and or- ganized as yours,” Nicholson said. “The energy and enthusiasm out there is really contagious.” Nicholson also described his opinion ofthe central issue in the presidential race. “The character and trust issue will be the most im- portant because people don't trust the president and Gore can't restore that trust,” Nicholson said. “He's joined at the hip with Clinton.” Oklahoma Representative J.C. Watts was a crowd favorite. His fiery style was straight out of the preacher's pulpit, where he has spent some time. He managed to quiet the inebriated crowd and bring it to its feet at will. His speech focused on youth, national pride and the need to unite the Republican party. He ended with a metaphorical story on the disap- pearance of“little Johnny” and the need tojoin hands with others for the common good. about running under Bush as Vice President, Watts, who hasn't annou-nced if he will run for the House again, strongly hinted he would take the opportu- nity. “It would be like your Mother calling,” Watts said. “I am a Bush supporter and will do all I can, but the nominees owe me nothing . . .just good government.” Watts left Washington on Friday, stayed at W&L .. three hours before .his speech, and left after the press conference for the Super Bowl in Atlanta. _. Fireworks filled the sky by the footbridge to round out day one. Area Congressman Bob Goodlatte kicked off Saturday's session. He was followed by former Secre- tary of Education Bill Bennett. Bennett was spotted at the Palms Friday night and made reference to his "search for virtue" there in his speech. Bennett focused on attacking Clinton, the Demo- cratic ideal of“big government,” and the liberal faults in foreign policy. “[Clinton] has disgraced and degraded everything he has touched,” Bennett said. “It's time to put the grown-ups back in charge of foreign policy.” Convention keynote speaker and 1996 presidential candidate Bob Dole rounded out the speaker list. Dole praised the convention during his speech. “You may be responsible for hundreds of thou- sands of people participating in the political process and that is worth the time you spend here,” Dole said. Dole went on to criticize Gore's lack of action in the Clinton White House. “If you were second in command, our Vice Presi- dent, in one ofthe most corrupt administrations in our nation's history and you did nothing to stop it,” Dole said, “indeed, you applauded it.” photo by Tiffany Friedel/Assistant Photo Editor AND THE NOMINEE IS. . . The balloons drop on the crowd Saturday afternoon after the convention nominates George W. Bush as the future Republican candidate for the presidency. OCR::/Vol_102/WLURG39_RTP_20000131/WLURG39_RTP_20000131_003.2.txt JANUARY 31, 2000 OP @112 filing-tum ifilii INION PAGE 3 Staff Editorial Anyone who has ever set foot in the J-school knows Prof. Brian Richardson’s famous mantra: “If your mother says she loves you, check it out”. This is a lesson often learned the hard way, and most majors finally get the point via a zero received for a fact error. Obviously, not all of the students who put together W&L student publications are journalism majors, but we all still strive to check everything out. Last week, we received an advertisement from a private individual who was offering to buy local phone books for $40. Normally, we don’t question advertisers. We operate under the principle that they as much right to buy space in our publication as you, the reader, have to ignore their message. We have, on very rare occasions, refused advertising based on content. And last week, based on the possibly invasive nature of the advertisement, we did what every survivor of Richardson’s class would do: we checked it out. As we read our crucifixion on the back page of The Trident this week, it became apparent that not everybody checks everything out. Your suggestion is duly noted, and returned for your own consideration. We called the number that you saw last week in the paper long before we ever printed it. It would not accept the collect calls the ad invited. We then called the number that appeared on the check that arrived with the ad; it was also based in Tennessee. The infonnation regarding Todd Ramsey had not been released to the W&L community at that point, and we had no real reason to believe that this was anything more than a waste of money for the adver- tiser in view of the fact that calls could not be placed. With the release of Todd Ramsey’s past, however, many people in the communityjumped to the conclusion that he had placed the ad. He did not. Ramsey has resided in the community long enough to be able to get his hands on a Lexington phone book, and could get a W&L directory simply by going by the Registrar’s office. He had no need to offer $40 from Tennessee for information that could be obtained freely a stone’s throw from his place of residence. Yeah, we have a convicted felon living in our midst. Yeah, we need to take precautions. But even convicted felons have rights in this country, and Ramsey can live wherever he wants to. The idea behind Megan’s Law was to provide knowl- edge to unsuspecting communities. It was not to ensure that people who had made mistakes would be crucified wherever they went. You are forewarned, W&L. Act ac- cordingly, and let him be. uote of the Week: George Washington could not tell a lie, Bill Clinton cannot tell the truth, and Al Gore cannot tell the difference. — RNC chair Jim Nicholson AND Va. ' Attorney General Mark Earley )) Ellie fling-tum ilfilii Executive Editor Polly Doig Associate Editor Michael Crittenden News Editor Max Smith Opinions Editor W&Life Editor Sports Editor Last Word Editor Copy Editor Photo Editor Assistant Photo Editors Stephanie Bianco Eliana Marziani Steele Cooper Kevin McManemin Heather McDonald Emily Barnes Tiffany Friedel Lisa Lin David Hanson Layout Editor Neal Willetts The Ring-tum Phi is published Mondays during the undergraduate school year at Washington and Lee University, Lexington, VA. Funding for The Ring-tum Phi comes primarily from advertising and subscription revenues. The Washington and Lee Publications Board elects the Executive Editor, but The Ring-tum Phi is otherwise independent. The Ring-tum Phi welcomes all responsible submissions and letters. All submissions must be in the Phi office, room 208 of the University Center, by noon on Friday to appear in that week’s edition. The Ring- tum Phi reserves the right to edit submissions for content and length. Letters and columns do not reflect the opinion of The Ring-tum Phi Editorial Board. Advertising does not reflect the opinions of The Ring-tum Phi or its staff. This newspaper observes current court definitions of libel and obscenity. The Ring-tum Phi 208 University Center Washington and Lee University Lexington, VA 24450 Telephone: (540) 462-4060 Advertising Office: (540) 462-4049 Fax: (540) 462-4059 E-mail: phi@w1u.edu http://wIu.edu/~phi Annual subsription rate: $30 ‘TNOW Tl’lA'l‘S A seuiete wlwosoct" , gov. FmnK l|nternationa|»:t>Campsw:r w.\si u.\(:'m\ .\\n I ,i=.r«. l =.\'l\'IaI«sI FY ERVICES OCR::/Vol_102/WLURG39_RTP_20000131/WLURG39_RTP_20000131_006.2.txt fi o cu ° 3‘ en E‘ E E 0 Q N c 0 PAGE 6 E E '6 JANUARY 31, 2000 h R I It I t’ f IA ' t ea [)0 1 ICE! par 16S 01‘ 1'63 IIl€I‘lCaIl V0 BPS _ By Kevin MCManemin Leno With an 0Jjoke..lt’s going to be debt as one of the greatest problems In general, though, I was very tory clearly shows that Gore is eithera It is with that noble goal in mind SHAMEBASED MAN a long, tedious campaign if they don’t of our age and somehow managed to proud of the Republican party. They blatant liar ora complete idiot. that I present the following parties, find something else to make fun of him blame Bill Clinton for it. Huh? Either obviously studied the election of ‘92 so, 1 wish the Republicans hick in none of which receive any attention Wow, that Mock Con was some- for -—and quickly. the fonner Secretaiy of Education ain’t closely and learned how to make the the upcoming campaign, yet, at the from the “mainstream” media. Their , thing else, huh? What was it — seven My other favorite thing about the too good at math, or he conveniently vice president of the United States look same time, I’m a bit sick of the simplic- ideas may strike you as “crazy,” but or eight speakers in a row that all felt Convention was how each skipped the chapters in history that likean utter and complete jackass. Gore ity of our us vs. them two party sys- just remember that 225 years ago some the need to mention Al Gore’s bone- Republikaner praised Reagan as pretty clearly show that the national deficit got the full Quayle treatment —— and tem. Think of how many more candi- guys had a “crazy” little idea called headed “I invented the Internet” much the greatest leader since and national debt ballooned under this time it’s fully deserved. AlGore’s dates there would be to make fun ofif freedom,and they formed the greatest quote? Thanks, fellas, for running that Alexander the Great and then Bill Ronald Reagan like Clinton’s waistline quote that Bill Clinton is one of the the polls reflected the true diversity of nation the world has ever scene. De- 0? line into the ground faster than Jay Bennett went on to lament the national at an all-you-can-eat buffet. greatest Presidents in American his— opinions and values in America! spite Texas. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII // I ’/I / 1111111111 ogooooooooooogoogo u I ' res /«rug I /J/((19/.s'« (I) 10- o , ‘ fr 0 : ET : Vtru lent e/yon.93/-o(ro4(/({yt/I1tasv7- : I : 7 4 : ‘ . . !M»1.Sfl«1't‘l3[t1't7}J£ < < t I . 1-99," for M, . u p ar | t code duo (1/«e-/‘err/(/y/.s'(;//-1 | n a | , y 9 . : lj : p Y F fifty co/z.s'¢j()u.s'» (15011//1'///Stu-(/n I v I : fl0'"’l¢O' pfl : IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII L———————-—-il oooooooooooooooooo Nominee: “Herb Man” Nominee: Dr. LaTeisha Hembree- Nominee: none of your business Nominee: Bryson Shaw Nominee: Preston S. Davidson IV Nominee: Candice Henson g 9' Platform: Marijuana is, like, illegal Miller, University of Oregon Platform: It is estimated that there Platform: Now, hey, come on. I’ll Platform: Whooooo! Frat party! Platform: If you’re a young girl be- in this country, and we in the Stoner Abstract: The purpose of this ar- are currently six billion people living admit that] loved “Rent.” Who didn’t? Ladies and gentlemen, I stand be- tween the ages of 9-14, Tigerbeat Party totally think that blows. If ticle is to prove that the country on the planet earth — for us in the It’sjustagreat show with greatmusic fore you today to unveilthe fratparty’s magazine is putting together atotally elected, we promise to make marijuana would bebesz governed by a commit- virulent misanthrope party, that’s —- and I don’t see why in this society two—point plan to American prosper- awesome political party just for ), non-illegal by 2005, or 2007, or, like, as tee of learned college professors. about 5,999,999,997 too many. I can’t enjoy a great show without be- ity. By the twin cornerstones of drink- you! ! ! !! soon as we get around to it. Platform: As the paradigms of rep- Currently the mainstream parties ing labelled “gay” by my friends and ing and hazing, we hope to fully ini- We’re totally committed to, like, a Our opponents say that marijuana resentative democracy have shifted are debating various proposed gun colleagues. tiate all Americans into prosperity and lot of real serious issues that way af- rots the brain and saps the energy from greatly since its inception in the days control measures. Well to gun control As the nominee for President for happiness. fect our lives. smokers, but We heartily disagree. We of Pericles and the Greeks, nonethe- supporters we propose this simple the straight guys who enjoy Broad- Currently our nation is plagued Issues such as: CUTE BOYS!!!! ‘I’ think that marijuana is a thing Which less, history has shown that the stron- truth: guns don’t kill People; heroes way musicals but are really self-con- with a crop of lazy,_good-for-nothing We’re the only major party committed can be used in a manner in Which the gest democracies are those built upon kill people. scious about it party, I’d just like to immigrants. That’s because the U.S. is to putting our national resources to- case is that. . - damn, Where Was l go- afinn foundation of lecturing and pub- Furthermore, We not only support point out that I have a steady girl— too easy on them. Our belief is, if you ward the conservation of our nation’s ing With this? Oh, like, marijuana is lishing. (Sorensen, 1997) As a Woman’s right to Choose an abor- friend. Her name is Erin, we’ve been want to become an American, you’ll mostprecious resource: BOY BANDS! V totally. . . uh. . . ha ha ha ha, Oh man, Thucydides noted, “q’Q'Zol'JZo' ", X, tion — We heartily endorse it. The dating for 16 great months, and yes, have to earn it. Through a rigorous N’Sync and Backstreet Boys will re- I’m totally making an ass up myself ’Y W079, "YQ’Q'.” government should provide incentives fellas, we have had frequent sex. That regiment of immigrant hazing, we can place those old fogeys on the Supreme here, dude. llike, lhad this Speech all Although the media portrays all for Women Who bravely Choose to doesn’t sound very gay to me, does insure that only those who truly de— Court if we are elected. Worked out last night While Todd and academics as stuffy and boring, keep this mind-numbingly stupid de— it? serve to be initiated Americans will Besides conservation of domestic I Were Watching “The Matrix,” (that (Fleming, l99l)the aggregate data has generate race of human beings from I’ve never looked at another guy make the cut. Give us your tired, your hunks, our foreign policy is totally it movie is SO TOTALLY F***ED UP yet to fully support that conclusion, further crowding the planet with their and thought he was attractive —— hon- poor, your hungry. . . and we’ll beat geared towards bringing foreign studs when you’re high!) really, but, ha ha According to Dr. Henry P. filthy chromosomes. Forced castration estly. Well, I mean, I can tell the differ- the hell out of them. like RICKY MARTIN and ENRIQUE ha ha. . . Lesserman’s 1994 study, only 58 per- for sex offenders is a good start, but ence between ugly guys and good- Our flrst priority, however, must be IGLESIAS to America!!!!! If they don’t Oh yeah! We’ve got other platfonns cent of academics are described by we must build on this. How about looking guys, I mean, what women the future of America: the children. want to come, we’ll send way hotma- too in the Stoner Party. We’re notjust colleagues as “insufferably dull and dumping birth control pills in the wa- would think isthe difference, because Under the current tyrannical system rines (boys in uniform are sooooo T about primo bud for all ages. Like, boring,” while 27 percent are de— ter supply? I don’t think they’re good looking of government, only those2l years of cute!) to invade any country that re- we’re totally for government subsidies scribed as “very boring,” Most inter- Health care and Social Security? myself. Not at all. Really. , age and older are allowed to enjoy the fuses to ship its hottest hunks to for Doritos and Slim Jims and Phish estingly, the study found that fully Hey, we’ve read Darwin, and we know Look, I’m getting a bit off the sub- life-affirming joy that alcohol provides. America. bootlegs. If elected President, I hope 6.54 percent of academics are de— that keeping alive the weak and the ject here. The platform of our party is If the frat party is elected, we promise Tigerbeat's Totally for girls politi— -3 to have in every car cassette deck in scribed by others as “not too terribly elderly just ain’t the way of nature. simple: we believe that guys should to drop the legal drinking age to four- cal party!!! is not just about hunks, Americaabootleg copy of Phish’s epic boring.” (Lesserman, 1994) Midnight basketball for inner-city be able to walk out of “Les Mis” or and-a-half.All Americans will soon be though. We’re also about girl power -lan. l6, 1999 Boulder, Colorado Show Clearly the data supports the un- youth? We think midnight 1’unning- “Miss Saigon” or even “Kiss of the able to enjoy the freedom to numb the and stuff. With us in charge, expect (including the 45-minute long im- derlying conclusion that, contrary to into-traffic Would keep more kids out Spider Woman” with their heads held mind that it is our God-given right - way-inspirational leadership from awe- proved jam of “Tweezer” and Trey popular belief, not all academics are of gangs. high and their wrists hanging reso- nay —~ our duty to uphold! some cabinet members like Britney V Anastasio’s fine wah—pedal work on horribly dull pointyheads incapable of Vote the virulent misanthrope party lutely non-limp at their sides. We in- Our founding fathers from Sam Spears and Christina Aguilera! what many consider the definitive live providing inspiring leadership to the When you go into the voting booths tend to support Broadway with tax Adams to George Killian knew what it So get out there and get involved! Version 0f“l’eaCheS En Regalia”). masses. Ergo, logically speaking, an next election. We’re at least honest dollars, to foster the “Lion King”s and meant to be Americans. Uphold their Show the world what girl power is all So as you can see, we, like. . . oh academic would vis-a—vis in fact have enough to admit that we’re only look- “Cabaret”s of tomorrow. legacy by voting the frat party to about and help elect the coolest, hip- ’ crap, gotta run, Scooby’s on. (continued on pages 17-456) ing to screw you. But I’m not gay. Really. Honestly! power. Whoooo! Frat party rules! pest government ever! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! 0 0, 0 0 Wherefor be it resolved on this, the twenty-ninth day of January in the year of our Lord 2000, g‘-t P S P p that the student body at Washington and Lee University did convene for a mock-convention, and I being filled with political zeal, they did draw up a new Bill of Rights with which they agreed to be ' _ was by those brave asterisks. governed, overthrowing the shackles of tyranny from an oppressive regime, and rededicating a . . . Alright, had enough sarcasm for today? Good. Let’s the school to the principles of student self-governance and personal responsibility on which get d0W" to business- Washingmn and Lee was once founded By Kevin MCManemin . Putting asterisks in the place of the final letters of a blue “ A4/1 LC0 NTENT [N THE MDDLE word is not only patently ridiculous, but in a college paper it only makes us look as if staffed by a bunch of geekish amznhmznt 1 Last week Taylor Ruilova said “sh**” in his article in prudes. There are no children to “protect” — there are Cilhz ahminiatratinn fihall makz nu lama infringing an ti]: fightfi [If the fituhzntfi 11] The Phi. And you know, I’ve spent every waking moment only college students who know exactly what these words since then trying to figure out just what the f“‘** he meant. mean and who use them every single day. The “vulgar” st hunt kegs in thcir frathouscs. message is still being communicated just fine. The aster- isks only thoroughly embarrass us. No, no, no, no, they argue, you misunderstand, as is common with vulgar primates such as yourself. The aster- isks do not make us look ridiculous —— they make the paper look classy by upholding common decency. Well, I submit that in an era when the common man uses these “bad words” commonly, that is the new common decency. Censoring words that almost everybody uses ,, only serves to uphold some outmoded, prudish, nonsen- sical notion of acceptable speech. Just as we don’t hold ourselves to old notions of fashion or conduct, why should we hold ourselves to ancient notions of speech? Please take a second to e—mail The Phi with a simple yet I brutally direct message: f“‘** this asterisk bu"‘*sh**. I mean, hell, was Taylor saying “shot,” or “shop,” or “ship,” or “shod, or “shed?” Damn it, I want to know! Then it hit me — “it” being The Phi’s copy editor for my using the words “damn it” in this article. But as I regained consciousness on the cold floor of the Phi office, I sud- denly realized what Taylor was saying — he was actually trying to say a word that some people might think is a naughty combination of four letters used to denote fecal matter, but. . . don’t worry folks. . . THANK SWEET JESUS CHRIST that our editors rushed in just in time to save the readers from enduring Ruilova’s onslaught of filth. Thank God that those asterisks were placed where those two naughty letters would have gone! Another genera- tion of impressionable W&L youth was left in the dark about what Taylor was really trying to say, confused as I uutznhtncnt Z fituhcnts have the right to sag whatever than bloohg 1lI2ll fccl like without being subizcteh to persecution bit the or. thought police. I umzuhmznt 3 Ertuhcnts hum: thc right to at fair trial; not the right to be railronhch out of school for sharing gout mznlnlun iust because the iE.(!I. urns borch that mouth. amznhmcnt 4 Eh: stuhznt boot; has the right to have at bunh they uctunllg likt plug for ZEE. umcnhmznt 5 Eznurc shall not be uses by faculty members as an excuse for sloth unit incompetence (unit non know who gnu are). THE OFFICE or SPECIAL » PROGRAMS HAS SUMMER JOBS AVAILABLE FOR W&L STUDENTS. amcnhmznt E Eh: official mascot of the school is herzbg changes from “the Ecncrul" to "Ehé Alumni College — Resident Assistants $33.13.-hriuin’-Ecam-s1oilliu'-fiouthzrn-animal." Five Resident Assistants will spend six weeks meeting and assisting Alumni, professors, and other interesting friends of W&L during Alumni )\ College. Responsibilities are varied and include attending meals and other activities with guests, transportation of guests, and maintaining rooms in Gaines Hall. Employment is from June 13 - 3 Aug. 4, 2000 and includes room, board, and tips in addition to salary. Application deadline is Feb. 28, 2000. For information call 463-8723. amcuhmznt 7 Eruel nun unusual punishments will onlg be uhministcrzh outing the Designates nlchgcshin nzrioh anh bn fullg trainch nun qunliftzh ulcogzmnsters. » amzuhmzut B Eh: next time E&® tries charging at frnthouse $411 for moving 8 chair from the thirh floor to the first floor. they will hone their legs broken as the mob extortion ruckzmrs 2 are. fll Q Summer Scholars — Counselors Summer Scholars is a four-week academic program for rising high school seniors. Counselors serve as resident advisors for 10 y amcuhmzut H Eherc is NOD umznhmznt B! nmznhmznt 111 Ehut all rights not given to the nitministrution are rzscruch big the stuhznts uuh thzir nlcitgzs, rcsnectiuzlg. “I can ’t wait to work for Special Programs when I grow up and go to W&L” -—Raina Milling ’14 students in Graham-Lees dormitory and plan evening and weekend activities. Employment is from June 28 - July 30, 2000. Application deadline is Feb. 21, 2000. For further information call 463-8722.